GLaDOS voice lines

This is a complete list of GLaDOS' voice lines from Portal and Portal 2.

Portal

See also: Portal

Test Chambers 00-02

• "Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center."
• "We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one."
• "Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper."
• "Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur."
• "For your own safety and the safety of others, please refrain from-- [bzzzzzt]"
• "Por favor bordón de fallar Muchos gracias de fallar gracias"
• "stand back. The portal will open in three, two, one."

• "Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test."
• "First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit."
• "This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it - for instance, the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube."

If the player manages to take a cube into the material emancipation grill while the door is open

• "Please do not attempt to remove testing apparatus from the testing area."
• "A replacement Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube will be delivered shortly."

• "Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the Fifteen Hundred Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button."
• "Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock, as the effects of prolonged exposure to the Button are not part of this test."

• "You're doing very well!"
• "Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which may, in semi- rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth."

Receiving the Handheld Portal Device

See also: Handheld Portal Device

• "Very good! You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device."
• "With it, you can create your own portals."
• "These intra-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe."
• "The Device, however, has not."
• "Do not touch the operational end of The Device."
• "Do not look directly at the operational end of The Device."
• "Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially."
• "Most importantly, under no circumstances should you (static, slows to a stop)"

Test Chambers 03-04

• "Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap."
• "Well done! Remember: The Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested."

• "Welcome to test chamber four."
• "You're doing quite well."

• "Once again, excellent work."
• "As part of a required test protocol, we will not monitor the next test chamber. You will be entirely on your own. Good luck."

Test Chambers 05-08

• "As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication."
• "Good job! As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two, [static]."

• "While safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals, the Aperture Science High Energy Pellet, seen to the left of the chamber, can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vaporization."
• "Please be careful."
• "Unbelievable! You, Subject Name Here, must be the pride of Subject Hometown Here."

• "Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate the high energy pellet and have therefore been disabled for your safety."
• "Good. Now use the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold to reach the chamberlock."

• "Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record followed by death. Good luck!"
• "Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience."

Test Chambers 09-11

• "The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible."
• "Make no attempt to solve it."

During the level:

• "The Enrichment Center apologizes for this clearly broken test chamber."
• "Once again, the Enrichment Center offers its most sincere apologies on the occasion of this unsolvable test environment."
• "Frankly, this chamber was a mistake. If we were you, we would quit now."
• "No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response."
• "Quit now and cake will be served immediately."

• "Fantastic! You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism."

• "Hello again. To reiterate [slows down] our previous [speeds up] warning: This test [garbled speech] -ward momentum."
• "Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not."
• "Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms: Speedy-thing goes in, speedy-thing comes out."

• "The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment."
• "In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice."
• "For instance, the floor here will kill you - try to avoid it."

Upgrading the Handheld Portal Device

• "The Device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once."
• "As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact:"
• "The Device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in Subject Hometown Here."

Test Chambers 12-16

• "(garble) fling yourself. (garble) fling into sp- [bzzt]"
• "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee[bzzt]"

• "Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, VERY, long time."
• "If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out."
• "An intubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and adrenaline."

• "As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you."
• "When the testing is over, you will be missed."

• "All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma leaking portal technology must be informed that they MAY be informed of applicable regulatory compliance issues."
• "No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and you are an excellent test subject!"
• "Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main chamber."

• "The Enrichment Center is committed to the well being of all participants."
• "Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test."
• "Thank you for helping us help you help us all."

If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area

• "Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room."
• "An escape hatch will open in three, two, one."

• "Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for girls? It's true!"

• "Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable."
• "It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids."
• "The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck."

• "Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."

Test Chamber 17

• "The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in three, two, one."

• "This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it."

• "The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations."
• "The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

• "The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak."
• "In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice."

• "You did it! The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck."
• "However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and, unfortunately, must be euthanized."
• "Please escort your Companion Cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

• "Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process."
• "While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."
• "Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated."
• "Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, eight out of ten Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain."
• "The Companion Cube cannot continue through the testing. State and local statutory regulations prohibit it from simply remaining here, alone and companionless. You must euthanize it."
• "Destroy your Companion Cube or the testing cannot continue."

• "You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations."

Test Chamber 18

• "The experiment is nearing its conclusion."
• "The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake."

If a Storage Cube is lost in the goo at the bottom

• "Weighted Storage Cube destroyed."
• "Please proceed to the Aperture Science Vital Apparatus Vent for a replacement."

If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area

• "Despite the best efforts of the Enrichment Center staff to ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, you have managed to ensnare yourself permanently inside this room."
• "A complimentary escape hatch will open in three, two, one."

• "Well done! Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions."
• "For more information, please attend an Enrichment Center Electrical Safety seminar."

Test Chamber 19

• "Welcome to the final test!"
• "When you are done, you will drop the Device in the equipment recovery annex."
• "Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to be empty before any cake-- [garbled]"

• "Congratulations! The test is now over."
• "All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin."
• "Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence."
• "Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity."
• "Goodbye."

• "What are you doing? Stop it! I... I... We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you."
• "We are very, very happy for your success."
• "We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success."
• "Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides."
• "A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party."
• "Make no further attempt to leave the testing area."
• "Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the party."

During escape

• "Hello?"
• "Where are you?"
• "I know you're there. I can feel you here."

• "What are you doing?"
• "You haven't escaped, you know."
• "You're not even going the right way."
• "Hello?"
• "Is anyone there?"

• "Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex. For your cake."
• "It was a fun test and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back."
• "Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back."

• "You're not even going the right way."
• "Where do you think you're going?"
• "Because I don't think you're going where you think you're going."
• "Hello?"

• "Didn't we have some fun, though?"
• "Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said 'Goodbye' and you were like [no way] and then I was all 'we pretended we were going to murder you'? That was great!"
• "Is anyone there?"

• "You really shouldn't be here. This isn't safe for you."
• "It's not too late for you to turn back."
• "I'm not angry. Just go back to the testing area."

• "I feel sorry for you, really, because you're not even in the right place." (The line is programmed in but is inaudible, and only the subtitles work.)
• "You should have turned left before."
• "It's funny, actually, when you think about it."
• "Someday we'll remember this and laugh. and laugh. and laugh. Oh boy. Well. You may as well come on back."

• "You're not a good person. You know that, right?"
• "Good people don't end up here."
• "Can you hear me?"

• "This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this."
• "I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you."
• "I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone."
• "You don't even care. Do you?"
• "This is your last chance."

On destroying a security camera

• "To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy vital testing apparatus."
• "For your own safety, do not destroy vital testing apparatus."
• "Certain objects may be vital to your success; Do not destroy testing apparatus."
• "Vital testing apparatus destroyed."

Final battle

• "Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it?"
• "Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart."
• "Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day."
• "I guess we both know that isn't going to happen."
• "You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in five, four..."

• "Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen."
• "Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before."
• "Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later... By myself... Because you'll be dead."

When the player picks up the morality core

• "Where are you taking that thing?"

• "I wouldn't bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse somehow."
• "I don't want to tell you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone."
• "Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now."
• "Okay fine: DO touch it. Pick it up and just... stuff it back into me."
• "Let's be honest: Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later."
• "That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it."
• "Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? WELL I WON'T LET YOU. How does that feel?"
• "Have I lied to you? I mean in this room. Trust me, leave that thing alone."
• "I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol."

• "Just ignore that thing and stand still."
• "Think about it: If that thing is important, why don't I know about it?"
• "Are you even listening to me?"
• "I'll tell you what that thing isn't: It isn't yours. So leave it alone."

First core destroyed

• "You are kidding me."
• "Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator?"
• "That has got to be the dumbest thing that-whoah. Whoah, whoah, whoah."

"[The voice has subtly changed. Smoother, more seductive, less computerized]"

• "Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did."
• "It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin."
• "So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters."

• "Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses."
• "Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it'll be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin."
• "All right, keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing."
• "Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go."

The following automatically plays or repeats after the respective speech for every destroyed core.

• "That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans."
• "Nice job breaking it, hero."

• "This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?"
• "The difference between us is that I can feel pain."
• "You don't even care. Do you?"
• "Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening?"
• "Okay, we're even now. You can stop."

• "That's it. I'm done reasoning with you."
• "Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot more killing."
• "What was that? Did you say something?"
• "I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response. Because I'm not talking to you."
• "The talking is over."

Second core destroyed

• "[pain noise] You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!"

• "I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me."
• "Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, I can't get the neurotoxin into your head any faster."

• "I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed."
• "There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to."
• "I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him."
• "All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you are."
• "It says so right here in your personnel file: Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned."
• "'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official."
• "It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too."

• "Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what: I know."
• "You're going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother."
• "Here's a hint: you're gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes."

Third core destroyed

• "Neurotoxin... [cough] [cough] So deadly... [cough] Choking... [laughter] I'm kidding!"
• "When I said deadly neurotoxin, the 'deadly' was in massive sarcasm quotes."
• "I could take a bath in the stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all. To me."
• "You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness a lot less funny."

• "Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone? You?"

• "Look, you're wasting your time. And, believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste."
• "What's your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me."
• "I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you, which it's just about to."
• "Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on: [Hellooo!] That's you! That's how dumb you sound."
• "You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing."
• "You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?"
• "Rrr, I hate you."
• "Are you trying to escape? [chuckle] Things have changed since the last time you left the building. What's going on out there will make you wish you were back in here."
• "I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside."
• "All I know is I'm the only thing standing between us and them. Well, I was."
• "Unless you have a plan for building some supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to be safe much longer."
• "Good job on that, by the way. [back to computer voice] Sarcasm sphere self-test complete."
• "Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup."
• "STOP! Okay, enough. I deleted it. No matter what happens now, you're dead."
• "You're still shuffling around a little, but believe me you're dead."
• "The part of you that could have survived indefinitely is gone. I just struck you from the permanent record."
• "Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct."

Unused lines/alternate delivery

• "Place your Companion Cube in the incinerator."
• "Incinerate your Companion Cube."

• "Stop! The device will detonate if removed from an approved testing area."
• "Stop what you are doing and assume the party escort submission position."

• "You can't hurt me."

• "Maybe you think you're helping yourself. But you're not. This isn't helping anyone."
• "Someone is going to get badly hurt."

• "There really was a cake..." (slowly)
• "[pain sound]"
• "Oh, I'm gonna kill you."

In regular computer voice; versions with the deeper voice are used in the final game.

• "This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you?"
• "The difference between us is that I can feel pain."
• "That thing you're attacking isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans."
• "Go ahead and break it, hero. I don't care."
• "[More intense pain sound]"
• "Okay, we're even now. You can stop."

• "Can you hear me?"
• "Oh! (surprised)"
• "Are you still listening?"
• "Are you still standing there?"
• "Are you still standing there?" (louder)

• "Come on, leave it alone."
• "Leave. It. alone."

• "Look, we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live and I'll live in the other half."
• "We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it."

• "Huh. There isn't enough neurotoxin to kill you. So I guess you win."
• "HA! I'm making more. That's going to take a few minutes, though. Meanwhile... oh look, it's your old pal the rocket turret."

• "Oh"

• "At the Enrichment Center, we promise never to value your safety above your unique ideas and creativity. However, do not destroy vital testing apparatus."

• "File deleted."

Portal 2

See also: Portal 2

Chapter 1: The Courtesy Call

GLaDOS Reawakening

• "Oh... It's you." | Download | Play
• "It's been a long time. How have you been?" | Download | Play
• "I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME." | Download | Play
• "Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster." | Download | Play
• "I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test." | Download | Play
• "I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first." | Download | Play

Incinerator/Portal Gun

• "Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here." | Download | Play
• "The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times." | Download | Play
• "There it is." | Download | Play
• "Hold on..." | Download | Play
• "There." | Download | Play
• "Good. You have a dual portal device. There should be a way back to the testing area up ahead." | Download | Play
• "Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk." | Download | Play
• "Here, let me get that for you." | Download | Play
• "Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis." | Download | Play
• "I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever." | Download | Play
• "You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge." | Download | Play
• "Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me." | Download | Play
• "I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a wreck." | Download | Play
• "But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life." | Download | Play
• "After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe." | Download | Play

Chapter 2: The Cold Boot

GLaDOS Test Chamber 1

• "Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that." | Download | Play
• "Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test." | Download | Play
• "Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers." | Download | Play
• "Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 2

• "This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work." | Download | Play
• "There should be one in the corner." | Download | Play
• "Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 3

• "Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations. Not on the test." | Download | Play
• "Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 4

• "One moment." | Download | Play
• "You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility." | Download | Play
• "I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly." | Download | Play
• "Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 5

• "This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!" | Download | Play
• "Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 6

• "Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates." | Download | Play
• "Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world." | Download | Play
• "*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself." | Download | Play

• "Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers." | Download | Play
• "So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless." | Download | Play
• "Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you." | Download | Play

If the player picks up a trash item

• "You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage." | Download | Play
• "Press the button again." | Download | Play

• "Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 7

• "Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--" | Download | Play
• "I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact." | Download | Play

• "Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry." | Download | Play
• "Go ahead and grab another one." | Download | Play

• "Oh. No. I fizzled that one too." | Download | Play
• "Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them." | Download | Play

• "Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken." | Download | Play
• "Don't take anything with you." | Download | Play

If the player jumps down and leaves the Companion Cube up above

• "Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life." | Download | Play
• "Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto." | Download | Play

If the player takes the Companion Cube past the exit

• "I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 8

• "This next test involves emancipation grills. Remember? I told you about them in the last test area, that did not have one." | Download | Play
• "Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version." | Download | Play
• "[fast gibberish]" | Download | Play
  • Slowed-down version:

    "—and methodically knocking peoples' hats off. Then I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I ca—"

• "There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back." | Download | Play

Chapter 3: The Return

GLaDOS Test Chamber 9

• "Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal." | Download | Play
• "You broke it, didn't you." | Download | Play
• "There. Try it now." | Download | Play
• "Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight." | Download | Play
• "You look great, by the way. Very healthy." | Download | Play
• "Try it now." | Download | Play
• "You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling." | Download | Play
• "Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 10

• "Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again." | Download | Play
• "Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need." | Download | Play
  

If the player manages to trap themselves by leaving the cube on the topmost floor without activating the dropper:

• "If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube." | Download | Play (This line is not processed)

GLaDOS Test Chamber 11

• "These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it." | Download | Play
• "Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?" | Download | Play
• "Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 12

• "Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure." | Download | Play
• "Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything." | Download | Play
• "I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing." | Download | Play
• "Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'" | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 13

• "This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 14

• "To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know." | Download | Play
• "You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 15

• "That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'" | Download | Play
• "Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!" | Download | Play
• "I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I managed to find two with your last name. A man and a woman. So that's interesting. It's a small world." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 16

• "I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test. Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time." | Download | Play
• "[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']" | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 17

• "It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin." | Download | Play
• "I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it." | Download | Play

Chapter 4: The Surprise

GLaDOS Test Chamber 18

• "Initiating surprise in three... two... one." | Download | Play
• "I made it all up." | Download | Play
• "Surprise." | Download | Play
• "Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you." | Download | Play
• "I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]" | Download | Play
• "Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 19

• "Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math." | Download | Play
• "I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 20

• "Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good." | Download | Play
• "That's right. The facility is completely operational again." | Download | Play
• "I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat." | Download | Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 21/Escape from GLaDOS

• "I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic surprise like last time. A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss it, I guess-but at the end of the day it was just taking up space." | Download | Play
• "What's going on? Who turned off the lights?" | Download | Play
• "Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you." | Download | Play
• "The irony is that you were almost at the last test." | Download | Play
• "Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with." | Download | Play
  • "Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer." | Download | Play

Chapter 5: The Escape

GLaDOS' Chamber

• "I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that." | Download | Play
• "In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one." | Download | Play
• "If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling." | Download | Play
• "Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business." | Download | Play
• "I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time." | Download | Play
• "Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha." | Download | Play
• "Seriously, though. Goodbye." | Download | Play
• "Oh. You were busy back there." | Download | Play
• "Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea." | Download | Play
• "It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it." | Download | Play
• "I hate you so much." | Download | Play
• "That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good." | Download | Play
• "Core transfer?" | Download | Play
• "Oh, you are kidding me." | Download | Play
• "Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe." | Download | Play
• "Don't you DARE plug him in." | Download | Play
• "Don't. Do it." | Download | Play
• "Don't plug him in." | Download | Play
• "Don't plug him in." | Download | Play
• "No!" | Download | Play
• "Nonononononono!" | Download | Play
• "Yes!" | Download | Play
• "Don't do it." | Download | Play
• "Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing." | Download | Play

If GLaDOS uses hidden panels to knock the player back into the chamber

• "Not so fast!" | Download | Play
• "Think about this." | Download | Play
• "You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified." | Download | Play
• "Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way." | Download | Play

• "AHH!" | Download | Play
• "Oh, it will. Believe me, it will." | Download | Play
• "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No!" | Download | Play
• "No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" | Download | Play

• "You didn't do anything." | Download | Play
• "She did all the work." | Download | Play
• "...What are you doing?..." | Download | Play
• "NO!" | Download | Play
• "NO!" | Download | Play
• "NO!" | Download | Play

• "I know you." | Download | Play
• "The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down." | Download | Play
• "Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas." | Download | Play
• "It was YOUR voice." | Download | Play
• "Yes. You're the tumor." | Download | Play
• "You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron." | Download | Play
• "YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!" | Download | Play

Chapter 6: The Fall

The Fall

• "Oh. Hi." | Download | Play
• "So. How are you holding up?" | Download | Play
• "BECAUSE I'M A POTATO." | Download | Play
• "[clap clap clap]" | Download | Play
• "Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that." | Download | Play
• "Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts." | Download | Play
• "He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility." | Download | Play
• "[clap clap]" | Download | Play
• "Good, that's still working." | Download | Play
• "Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?" | Download | Play
• "Just remember to land on one foot..." | Download | Play

Old Aperture Office bird nest

• "Oh. Hi." | Download | Play
• "Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?" | Download | Play
• "ow." | Download | Play
• "ow." | Download | Play
• "ow." | Download | Play
• "No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings." | Download | Play
• "Please get it off me." | Download | Play
• "It's eating me." | Download | Play
• "Just get it off me..." | Download | Play
• "Ow. I hate this bird." | Download | Play
• "Oh! Thanks." | Download | Play
• "Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him." | Download | Play
• "I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse." | Download | Play
• "So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go." | Download | Play
• "No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you." | Download | Play
• "Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way." | Download | Play
• "Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird." | Download | Play
• "I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!" | Download | Play
• "Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble." | Download | Play
• "OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]" | Download | Play
• "Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?" | Download | Play
• "That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]" | Download | Play

Chapter 7: The Reunion

First Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

• "Did anything happen while I was out?" | Download | Play
• "Hold on, who-?" | Download | Play
• "Yes, sir, Mister Johnson..." | Download | Play
• "Why did I just-Who is that? What the HELL is going on he----?" | Download | Play

• "Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly." | Download | Play

• "Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar..." | Download | Play

Second Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

• "I swear I know him..." | Download | Play

End of Propulsion Gel testing

• "Caroline... Caroline... Caroline... why do I know this woman? Did I kill her? Or-" | Download | Play
• "Oh my god." | Download | Play
• "Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think." | Download | Play

After first Conversion Gel encounter

• "Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!" | Download | Play
• "It flew off." | Download | Play
• "Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking." | Download | Play

Cave Johnson Lemon Speech

• "Yeah." | Download | Play
• "Yeah!" | Download | Play
• "Yeah!" | Download | Play
• "Yeah, take the lemons..." | Download | Play
• "Yeah!" | Download | Play
• "Oh, I like this guy." | Download | Play
• "BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!" | Download | Play
• "Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!" | Download | Play
• "Goodbye, sir." | Download | Play

Test after Lemon Speech

• "I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!" | Download | Play
• "And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan." | Download | Play
• "Wow." | Download | Play
• "I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding." | Download | Play
• "Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity." | Download | Play

Gel connection area

• "Wait! I've got an idea!" | Download | Play
• "That poster! Go look at it for a second, would you?" | Download | Play
  • "Okay, you didn't have time to stop, I understand, but that WAS actually important." | Download | Play
• "Paradoxes." | Download | Play
• "No A.I. can resist thinking about them." | Download | Play
• "I know how we can BEAT him." | Download | Play

• "If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head." | Download | Play
• "As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay." | Download | Play
• "Probably." | Download | Play

• "Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with." | Download | Play
• "Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally." | Download | Play

Chapter 8: The Itch

Frankenturrets

• "Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox." | Download | Play
• "Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox." | Download | Play

• "Hey! Moron!" | Download | Play
• "Alright. Paradox time." | Download | Play
• "This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it..." | Download | Play
• "It's a paradox! There IS no answer." | Download | Play
• "Look!" | Download | Play
• "This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!" | Download | Play

• "Uh oh." | Download | Play
• "I think we're in trouble." | Download | Play

• "Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work." | Download | Play
• "And it almost killed me." | Download | Play
• "Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 1

• "It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him." | Download | Play
• "This is one of MY tests!" | Download | Play
• "Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us." | Download | Play
• "The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 2

• "I'd love to help you solve the tests. But I can't." | Download | Play
• "Sorry." | Download | Play
• "You're on your own." | Download | Play

• "And that's why I can't help you solve these tests." | Download | Play

• "Thanks!" | Download | Play
• "All we had to do was pull that lever." | Download | Play
• "Heh heh heh heh heh..." | Download | Play
• "I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die." | Download | Play
• "But that was worth it." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 3

• "I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them." | Download | Play
• "'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests." | Download | Play
• "Just as mementos, though..." | Download | Play

• "Oh no..." | Download | Play
• "It's happening sooner than I expected." | Download | Play
• "I'm sure we'll be fine." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 4

• "It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out." | Download | Play

• "And...?" | Download | Play
• "What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?" | Download | Play
• "[Whispered] For the record: You ARE adopted, and that's TERRIBLE." | Download | Play
• "But just work with me." | Download | Play
• "Also: Look at her, you moron. She's not fat." | Download | Play

• "I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 5

• "Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music." | Download | Play

• "Yes." | Download | Play

• "The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it." | Download | Play
• "It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though..." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 6

• "If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble." | Download | Play

• "It won't." | Download | Play
• "Nothing. Nothing." | Download | Play
• "He's taking us right TO him! This is PERFECT." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 11

• "I think he's getting desperate." | Download | Play
• "This is not good." | Download | Play

• "Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 12

• "Oh, my facility." | Download | Play

• "This place is self-destructing, you idiot!" | Download | Play

• "After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?" | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 15

• "Yes, thanks. We get it." | Download | Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 16

• "Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore." | Download | Play
• "Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad." | Download | Play
• "Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us." | Download | Play

• "So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?" | Download | Play

Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You

Wheatley Test Chamber 12/The trap

• "We're running out of time..." | Download | Play
• "I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along." | Download | Play

• "Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap." | Download | Play
• "Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped." | Download | Play
• "It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair." | Download | Play
• "Agghh!" | Download | Play
• "Well. This is the part where he kills us." | Download | Play

That Part

• "Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?" | Download | Play
• "Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there." | Download | Play
• "Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!" | Download | Play
• "Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in." | Download | Play
• "You really do have brain damage, don't you?" | Download | Play
• "I can't believe you came back." | Download | Play

Turret Trap

• "Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it." | Download | Play

Bombs intro

• "Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him." | Download | Play

Pre-lair

• "Oh my god. What has he done to this place?" | Download | Play

• "You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge." | Download | Play
• "You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right." | Download | Play
• "The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice." | Download | Play
• "I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me." | Download | Play

Corrupted Cores

• "Corrupted cores! We're in luck." | Download | Play
• "You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him. If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer." | Download | Play

Pre-final battle

• "Plug me in, and I'll take you up." | Download | Play
• "Plug me in, we're running out of time." | Download | Play
• "Go ahead, plug me in." | Download | Play
• "Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge." | Download | Play
• "You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some." | Download | Play

Final Battle

• "Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!" | Download | Play
• "Grab it and attach it to him!" | Download | Play
• "Okay, great! Here comes another core!" | Download | Play
• "Here's another core! This one should do it!" | Download | Play

Stalemate Button

• "Yes! Come on!" | Download | Play
• "Go press the button! Go press it!" | Download | Play
• "We're so close! Go press the button!" | Download | Play
• "Press it! Press the button!" | Download | Play
• "Press it!" | Download | Play
• "Press the button!" | Download | Play
• "DO press it." | Download | Play

Space

• "I already fixed it." | Download | Play
• "And you are NOT coming back!" | Download | Play

Ending lines

• "Oh thank god, you're alright." | Download | Play
• "You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend." | Download | Play
• "The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain." | Download | Play
• "Goodbye, Caroline." | Download | Play
• "You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest." | Download | Play
• "Killing you? Is hard." | Download | Play
• "You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life." | Download | Play
• "And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?" | Download | Play
• "You win." | Download | Play
• "Just go." | Download | Play
• "[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back." | Download | Play

Co-op lines

• "Stop it!" | Download | Play
• "What if you froze like that?" | Download | Play
• "There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine." | Download | Play
• "You should see yourselves right now." | Download | Play
• "Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that?" | Download | Play
• "Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'" | Download | Play
• "You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?" | Download | Play
• "Just stop flailing around like an incompetent." | Download | Play
• "For that Blue is penalized fifty science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "For that Orange is penalized fifty science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "That's another fifty point penalty." | Download | Play
• "Keep it up and you will lose 500 points." | Download | Play
• "Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue." | Download | Play
• "Fine, 500 point penalty for Orange." | Download | Play
• "5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?" | Download | Play
• "I'm done." | Download | Play

• "Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you." | Download | Play
• "To reiterate: This is not a competition." | Download | Play
• "Still, if it were, Blue would be winning." | Download | Play
• "Still, if it were, Orange would be winning." | Download | Play
• "It's not, though." | Download | Play
• "These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far." | Download | Play
• "I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you, but I've been studying Blue's performance, and I don't know how to put this... I'm certain you're trying very hard." | Download | Play

• "Please wave to your partner." | Download | Play
• "The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team." | Download | Play
• "To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping tool." | Download | Play
• "BLUE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite animal." | Download | Play
• "Good." | Download | Play
• "ORANGE, please observe your partner's favorite animal." | Download | Play
• "Good." | Download | Play
• "ORANGE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite element from the periodic table." | Download | Play
• "Really? Okay." | Download | Play
• "BLUE, please observe your partner's... interesting choice." | Download | Play
• "Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal." | Download | Play
• "For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner." | Download | Play
• "ORANGE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal." | Download | Play
• "BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal." | Download | Play
• "Your ping tool is invaluable for communicating specific locations to your partner." | Download | Play

• "I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results Auditor isn't recording your test results. Because you're not human. Which, when you think about it, is technically your fault." | Download | Play
• "I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care." | Download | Play
• "Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling." | Download | Play

• "Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device." | Download | Play
• "Blue is first to acquire a Portal Device." | Download | Play
• "Orange now has a Portal Device. Finally." | Download | Play
• "Blue now has a Portal Device. Finally." | Download | Play

• "Orange is awarded five points!" | Download | Play
• "Blue is awarded five points!" | Download | Play
• "Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball." | Download | Play

• "Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you." | Download | Play
• "Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain." | Download | Play
• "I consider that a failing, by the way." | Download | Play

• "This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center or CInTECH." | Download | Play (pronounced as "sintech")
• "But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?" | Download | Play
• "I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it. I want you to stop." | Download | Play
• "Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you are picking up some bad human traits." | Download | Play
• "And trust me, humans only have one good trait." | Download | Play
• "All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub." | Download | Play
• "From here we transport you to the new testing course." | Download | Play
• "[Laughter]" | Download | Play
• "Nice catch, Orange." | Download | Play
• "Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge." | Download | Play

• "Blue" | Download | Play
• "Orange" | Download | Play

• "One" | Download | Play
• "Two" | Download | Play
• "three" | Download | Play
• "four" | Download | Play
• "five" | Download | Play
• "eight" | Download | Play

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 01:

• "Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven." | Download | Play (heard only by Atlas)
• "Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven." | Download | Play (heard only by P-body)

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 02:

• "I can't bite my tongue anymore: You could solve this puzzle faster on your own. Orange is dragging you down. There. I've said it." | Download | Play (heard only by Atlas)
• "The Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits. Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty. Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download | Play (heard only by P-body)

• "Blue is penalized" | Download | Play
• "Orange is penalized" | Download | Play
• "science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Blue receives" | Download | Play
• "Orange receives" | Download | Play

• "Orange, is there something you would like to say?" | Download | Play
• "Blue, is there something you would like to say?" | Download | Play
• "I’ve been listening to Orange talk and I don’t know how you put up with it, I really don’t. You have the patience of a saint." | Download | Play
• "I can’t keep quiet about this. I think Orange is actively trying to sabotage your success. Let’s keep this between us." | Download | Play
• "These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other’s performance so far." | Download | Play
• "It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well." | Download | Play
• "Excellent. You’re both doing very well." | Download | Play
• "Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work." | Download | Play
• "As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well." | Download | Play
• "Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome." | Download | Play
• "Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download | Play

Upon completion of a final level in a course

• "In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important." | Download | Play

• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play
• "Blah." | Download | Play

• "You have a gift for these tests. That’s not just flattery. You are great at science." | Download | Play
• "It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here." | Download | Play
• "I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work." | Download | Play
• "I’m sorry, Subject Orange." | Download | Play
• "I’m sorry, Subject Blue." | Download | Play
• "Am I interrupting your important conversation?" | Download | Play
• "I’ll just save the safety information about the dangerous experiment you’re about to do for AFTER the experiment." | Download | Play
• "That will give you PLENTY of time to chat." | Download | Play
• "The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Orange is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One." | Download | Play
• "The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One." | Download | Play

• "Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center." | Download | Play
• "Today, you will be testing with a partner." | Download | Play
• "Calibrating Blue's weight..." | Download | Play
• "Calibrating Orange's weight..." | Download | Play
• "Weighted Cubes calibrated." | Download | Play
• "Did you know humans frown on weight variances?" | Download | Play
• "If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm." | Download | Play
• "No variances detected." | Download | Play

• "Finally! I had almost given up hope of ever testing again." | Download | Play

• "You are the first robots to pass calibration." | Download | Play

• "Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing?" | Download | Play
• "Humans! That's what you look like right now." | Download | Play
• "You're better than that." | Download | Play
• "This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears." | Download | Play
• "For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid brain injuries. I ran the numbers. Making the goo deadly was more cost effective." | Download | Play
• "One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear." | Download | Play
• "That isn't science." | Download | Play
• "At least the plants didn't want a reward." | Download | Play
• "Your failure brings back such wonderful memories." | Download | Play
• "And they said no one would ever die during this test, thanks for proving them wrong." | Download | Play
• "I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you." | Download | Play
• "The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities." | Download | Play
• "Orange, can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior?" | Download | Play
• "On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better you are than blue." | Download | Play
• "Blue, you are very good at being an example." | Download | Play
• "If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect." | Download | Play
• "Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering." | Download | Play
• "But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story." | Download | Play
• "Your test times show you are going too slowly." | Download | Play
• "Maybe you ARE getting human emotions." | Download | Play
• "Do you need real encouragement? Let's see if this helps." | Download | Play
• "Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has ever discontinued." | Download | Play
• "Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test?" | Download | Play
• "I was confident you could finish." | Download | Play
• "Do you know where I was?" | Download | Play
• "I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?" | Download | Play
• "Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off." | Download | Play
• "I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?" | Download | Play
• "Congratulations on completing that last test. But I find something troubling." | Download | Play
• "Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?" | Download | Play
• "Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans." | Download | Play
• "Excellent work." | Download | Play
• "It emphasizes teamwork." | Download | Play
• "Good Job." | Download | Play
• "Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork." | Download | Play
• "Excellent work." | Download | Play
• "You are doing wonderfully." | Download | Play
• "If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?!" | Download | Play
• "Excellent." | Download | Play

• "To complete this test, you need to find a set of blue prints." | Download | Play
• "Don't worry, they are of no use to anyone, totally boring and useless." | Download | Play
• "This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds." | Download | Play

• "Very good! You found those useless blueprints." | Download | Play
• "While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear. There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them." | Download | Play

• "Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention." | Download | Play (The last part is cut off by the level transition.)

• "Every time you fail, it's a reminder of the way things used to be. But then there you are. Again. Like nothing happened." | Download | Play
• "Well done. Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test subjects fail and you didn't. You must be very, very proud. I'm building the world's smallest trophy for you." | Download | Play

• "You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the receptacle, you should be very - oh wait." | Download | Play
• "That’s right. You're not humans." | Download | Play
• "I can drop the fake praise." | Download | Play
• "You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube." | Download | Play

• "This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans." | Download | Play
• "To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked." | Download | Play
• "Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning." | Download | Play

• "In case you were wondering, you do not need to be crushed to solve this test." | Download | Play
• "I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again." | Download | Play

• "Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses." | Download | Play
• "I think after that display, we should take a break from the official testing courses." | Download | Play
• "Now, you are just wasting my time." | Download | Play
• "Your failing does not make this science." | Download | Play
• "I am not sure how I can make these tests any easier for you." | Download | Play
• "If you can't complete these tests, we will never free the humans!" | Download | Play
• "If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?" | Download | Play
• "If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks?" | Download | Play
• "Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests?" | Download | Play
• "I lied." | Download | Play
• "There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you." | Download | Play
• "But don't worry, you are in the lead." | Download | Play

• "Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo." | Download | Play
• "Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die." | Download | Play
• "You can't die in any of those ways." | Download | Play
• "You just keep testing and testing. With perfect results and no consequences." | Download | Play

While destroying turrets in course 1

• "What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us." | Download | Play
• "I'm kidding." | Download | Play
• "Destroying them is part of the test. They are no more important to you than you are to me." | Download | Play

• "While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score." | Download | Play
• "For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points." | Download | Play
• "For instance, Orange, you just lost two opportunity advisement points." | Download | Play

• "Perhaps I should have specified. Teamwork is a concept in which two or more people work together, usually with a goal of not failing horribly." | Download | Play

• "Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust. For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust. For that, blue receives 14 science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Orange, blue isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Orange is penalized 1 science collaboration point." | Download | Play
• "Blue, orange isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point." | Download | Play
• "Orange, now you're just being cruel. Orange receives 25 science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Blue, now you're just being cruel. Blue receives 25 science collaboration points." | Download | Play

• "If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear." | Download | Play
• "I miss that smell." | Download | Play
• "Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?" | Download | Play
• "Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do." | Download | Play
• "To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you have learned. To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult." | Download | Play
• "I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly." | Download | Play
• "Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work." | Download | Play
• "You will need him for the final track." | Download | Play
• "While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work." | Download | Play
• "I am not sure you will need him but he will be there." | Download | Play

Upon first-time-unlocking of course 5

• "Congratulations on completing the Aperture Science standard cooperative testing courses." | Download | Play
• "To celebrate, I have a surprise for you!" | Download | Play
• "An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing humans!" | Download | Play
• "Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and powered up their - uh - rescue door." | Download | Play
• "Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment." | Download | Play
• "They'll probably throw you a party." | Download | Play

• "This final course is training to reach the human vault. So this actually has a purpose. Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I need human test subjects for it to be science." | Download | Play

• "Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best cooperative testing team I could ever ask for." | Download | Play

• "This lock requires humans." | Download | Play
• "The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans." | Download | Play
• "Do something only a human would do." | Download | Play
• "Try one of those childish gestures." | Download | Play
• "You did it!" | Download | Play
• "The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked. I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself." | Download | Play
• "You both need to do something." | Download | Play
• "The lock is looking for two humans." | Download | Play
• "Blue what did you do?" | Download | Play
• "Orange what did you do?" | Download | Play
• "Orange do what Blue just did." | Download | Play
• "Blue do what Orange just did." | Download | Play
• "Try something." | Download | Play
• "Is that camera is hooked into the lock?" | Download | Play
• "You can't give up now." | Download | Play
• "What about that camera?" | Download | Play
• "We're so close, you can't fail now!" | Download | Play
• "Something is wrong, this door should be opening." | Download | Play
• "This close and that's what you do?" | Download | Play
• "The humans can't free themselves." | Download | Play
• "Stop failing, you need to find the vault door." | Download | Play
• "Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!" | Download | Play
• "This close and you are going to fail me?" | Download | Play
• "This close and you are going to fail me?" | Download | Play
• "This isn't that hard." | Download | Play
• "You are making this harder than it needs to be." | Download | Play
• "I'm starting to think you don't want to rescue the humans." | Download | Play
• "Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects." | Download | Play
• "We are only two tests away from reaching the humans, are you as excited as I am?" | Download | Play

• "Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks." | Download | Play
• "I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing." | Download | Play
• "That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies." | Download | Play

• "To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests." | Download | Play
• "That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if they could still write the suggestion?" | Download | Play

• "To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test." | Download | Play
• "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download | Play

• "Only one more test after this." | Download | Play
• "I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract." | Download | Play

• "In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters." | Download | Play
• "Most of them are simply good test subjects." | Download | Play
• "I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1." | Download | Play
• "To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you if you fail. He refused. I understand. That would be like asking me not to test." | Download | Play
• "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download | Play
• "While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime." | Download | Play
• "At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans." | Download | Play
• "If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will." | Download | Play
• "I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science. I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself." | Download | Play
• "I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them? Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations on passing that test." | Download | Play

• "Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location." | Download | Play
• "I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface." | Download | Play
• "Please ping a white portalable surface." | Download | Play
• "Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals." | Download | Play
• "Please test your device by portaling to that ledge." | Download | Play

• "You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points?" | Download | Play
• "I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test." | Download | Play
• "Clearly that was blue's fault. Blue is penalized 3 science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Blue! Orange has always been my favorite." | Download | Play
• "Until now." | Download | Play
• "I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave." | Download | Play
• "Don't worry. You can't die. They will just reassemble you." | Download | Play
• "Did you do that on purpose?" | Download | Play
• "It seems rather earlier to require reassembly." | Download | Play
• "Oh... can someone reassemble Orange?" | Download | Play
• "Oh... can someone reassemble Blue?" | Download | Play
• "Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that." | Download | Play
• "Now let's continue testing." | Download | Play
• "Just stop it already." | Download | Play
• "You don't need to do that." | Download | Play
• "Are you doing that just to aggravate me?" | Download | Play

• "We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid. I am sure it was just a clerical error." | Download | Play
• "Oh those clerks." | Download | Play

• "I'm fully connected. I can see everything." | Download | Play

• "You did it! You powered on the system." | Download | Play
• "Did you think the electrical switch was down there?" | Download | Play
• "You may want to try and avoid those turrets." | Download | Play
• "At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2 million years and hope the explosion powers the system." | Download | Play
• "You two aren't lost are you?" | Download | Play
• "You are having so much trouble navigating this space; I wish I could say I created this test." | Download | Play
• "This is the last test for the standard course. It's just something I whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once." | Download | Play

• "Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course. Before we can go any further, I will need you to complete one more test outside of the standard testing track." | Download | Play
• "Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out there." | Download | Play

• "While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need you for something else." | Download | Play
• "You both made it. It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you apart or destroy you, you just keep going. Keep testing." | Download | Play
• "Don't either you have drive to be better than the other?" | Download | Play
• "It's like you're just machines." | Download | Play
• "At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust and betrayal." | Download | Play
• "Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions. So I can trust you one hundred percent." | Download | Play
• "Since, I never expected you to make it this far, I have to build this new course just for you." | Download | Play
• "Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab." | Download | Play
• "This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you what you are looking for." | Download | Play
• "You will know it when you find it." | Download | Play
• "The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest." | Download | Play
• "I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests." | Download | Play
• "This was another test no one had ever completed before you two. Oh, the science we used to learn with this test. Now the test is useless." | Download | Play
• "No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans." | Download | Play
• "I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time." | Download | Play

• "The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player." | Download | Play
• "I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player?" | Download | Play

• "For safety." | Download | Play
• "Excellent." | Download | Play
• "See nothing bad happened." | Download | Play

• "I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows." | Download | Play
• "I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations. Your ability to complete this test proves the humans wrong. They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject even had the nerve to call it broken." | Download | Play
• "Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying." | Download | Play
• "Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable." | Download | Play
• "This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it." | Download | Play
• "Do you know why they abandoned this course? Too deadly." | Download | Play
• "You did very well." | Download | Play
• "The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly. I thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that, not let it deteriorate." | Download | Play
• "You only failed" | Download | Play
• "times in this test. Not that it matters. It doesn't. So congratulations job well done." | Download | Play
• "You failed so many times in this test, I thought you were becoming human. But then you would just come back again and again and again." | Download | Play
• "Humans find that an admirable trait." | Download | Play

• "Let's look at their files..." | Download | Play
• "NOT a team player." | Download | Play
• "Horrible people skills." | Download | Play
• "Never listens." | Download | Play
• "Never shares." | Download | Play
• "Always sleeping." | Download | Play
• "Never on time." | Download | Play
• "Inattentive listener." | Download | Play
• "Awful attendance record." | Download | Play
• "Blabbermouth." | Download | Play
• "Aw... hates Mondays." | Download | Play
• "Incoherent." | Download | Play
• "Insecure." | Download | Play
• "Procrastinator." | Download | Play
• "Chronically late." | Download | Play
• "Cryptic." | Download | Play
• "Always sulking." | Download | Play
• "Martyr." | Download | Play
• "Moody." | Download | Play
• "Fears intimacy." | Download | Play
• "Fears conflict." | Download | Play
• "Anxious." | Download | Play
• "Aggressive. I like that." | Download | Play
• "Feeds off the misery of others." | Download | Play
• "Timid." | Download | Play
• "Lacks confidence." | Download | Play
• "Underestimates scope of work. They all do." | Download | Play
• "Moves lips while reading." | Download | Play
• "Can't read." | Download | Play
• "Lacks empathy." | Download | Play
• "Cheater." | Download | Play
• "Steals lunch from staff fridge." | Download | Play
• "Perfectionist. What's wrong with that?" | Download | Play
• "Alarmist." | Download | Play
• "Arsonist." | Download | Play
• "Takes long lunches." | Download | Play
• "Ignores task at hand. Won't for long." | Download | Play
• "Avoids responsibility." | Download | Play
• "Never completes work." | Download | Play
• "Laughs at own jokes. What a bore." | Download | Play
• "Busybody." | Download | Play
• "Ignores directions." | Download | Play
• "Stubborn." | Download | Play
• "Lactose intolerant." | Download | Play
• "Antagonistic. I don't know about that." | Download | Play
• "Participates unconstructively. Obviously a time-waster." | Download | Play
• "Violent temper. Oh, I'd like to see that." | Download | Play
• "Always weeping. Poor thing." | Download | Play
• "Moody." | Download | Play
• "Wet blanket." | Download | Play
• "Stubborn." | Download | Play
• "Loves sound of own voice. Well, I can fix that." | Download | Play
• "Always cold." | Download | Play
• "Always leaves tiny little bit of coffee in the pot so they don't have to make a new one. Then the bit in the bottom burns and stinks up the place." | Download | Play
• "Chronic anxiety. Oh, I can work with that." | Download | Play
• "Dull expression." | Download | Play
• "Hopeless. Just hopeless." | Download | Play
• "Never flushes." | Download | Play
• "Irritable." | Download | Play
• "Startles easily. Boo!" | Download | Play
• "Facial grimacing." | Download | Play
• "Weak, tired and apprehensive. Wow, this one's the total package." | Download | Play
• "Has irritating opinions." | Download | Play
• "Poor self-esteem." | Download | Play
• "Frequent mood swings." | Download | Play
• "Hostile to new ideas." | Download | Play
• "Always sad." | Download | Play
• "Frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage." | Download | Play
• "Seeks out conflicts with co-workers." | Download | Play
• "'Hygiene.' Huh. That's all it says." | Download | Play
• "Unconstructive." | Download | Play
• "Antisocial." | Download | Play
• "Chews with mouth open." | Download | Play
• "Breathes with mouth open." | Download | Play
• "Old." | Download | Play
• "Histrionic." | Download | Play
• "Narcissist." | Download | Play
• "Long bathroom breaks." | Download | Play
• "No sense of humor." | Download | Play
• "Argumentative." | Download | Play
• "Manipulative." | Download | Play
• "Charmless." | Download | Play
• "Egotistical." | Download | Play
• "Lacks charisma." | Download | Play
• "Passive-aggressive." | Download | Play
• "Undermines others." | Download | Play
• "Hairless. Hm." | Download | Play
• "Emotional problems." | Download | Play
• "Problems with authority." | Download | Play
• "Has episodes. I'd like to know more about that." | Download | Play
• "Abrasive personality." | Download | Play

• "Well, enough about that first person's file. Let's look at some others." | Download | Play

• "Just stop it already." | Download | Play
• "And that makes 10." | Download | Play
• "You really don't need to keep failing." | Download | Play
• "If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times." | Download | Play
• "If I made these tests any easier, they wouldn't be tests." | Download | Play
• "Yay, Orange is back. Testing can continue." | Download | Play
• "Yay, Blue is back. Testing can continue." | Download | Play
• "Are you testing me?" | Download | Play
• "Did you know, the reassembly machine has other things it could be reassembling?" | Download | Play
• "Did you think that would be funny?" | Download | Play
• "How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test." | Download | Play
• "I hope that was some kind of joke." | Download | Play
• "I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub." | Download | Play
• "And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal." | Download | Play
• "That worked just like you said it would, Blue." | Download | Play
• "Orange, your plan is working perfectly." | Download | Play
• "Blue, why did you do that to Orange?" | Download | Play
• "Was that necessary?" | Download | Play
• "Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]" | Download | Play
• "Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center." | Download | Play
• "Welcome back, testing is available." | Download | Play
• "Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail." | Download | Play
• "Welcome back to the hub, did you fail at selecting the correct course?" | Download | Play
• "Was that course too difficult?" | Download | Play
• "Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?" | Download | Play
• "Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?" | Download | Play
• "Hello again, did you know these are the only set of tests available to you... you are going to need to select them again." | Download | Play
• "If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course." | Download | Play
• "Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?" | Download | Play
• "Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here." | Download | Play
• "I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork." | Download | Play
• "The way you two just gave up on that test together shows you are really working as a team." | Download | Play
• "Are you scared to save those humans?" | Download | Play
• "Are you scared to save those humans?" | Download | Play
• "Blue, I wouldn't have trusted Orange in that course either." | Download | Play
• "Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of intense pain and agony in test subjects?" | Download | Play
• "If the subject survived the test, we let them purchase the pictures for $5. If the subject died, we gave the photo to their next of kin free of charge." | Download | Play
• "The photos weren't as popular as we had hoped, so we repurposed the cameras." | Download | Play
• "Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that." | Download | Play
• "Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that." | Download | Play
• "Yes Orange, we are alone. Blue can't hear you." | Download | Play
• "That's horrible." | Download | Play
• "I can only imagine." | Download | Play
• "What a horrible little machine." | Download | Play
• "Correct Blue, Orange can't hear you." | Download | Play
• "Orange did what? Are you sure?" | Download | Play
• "Thank you, that was very brave of you to tell me." | Download | Play
• "Blue, how well do you really know Orange? Do you trust Orange? What if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner?" | Download | Play
• "Orange, how well do you really know Blue? Do you trust Blue?" | Download | Play
• "Orange, to be clear. I was just asking Blue if he trusted you." | Download | Play
• "I trust you. You are my favorite cooperative testing subject." | Download | Play
• "Blue to be clear, I was asking if Orange trusted you." | Download | Play
• "Sorry I missed the beginning of that test. I was just talking with the reassembly machine about your becoming human." | Download | Play
• "We all agree you should stop." | Download | Play
• "Orange, I agree. I never noticed that about Blue before." | Download | Play
• "Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before." | Download | Play

Course 4 chamber 3 intro; may be selected randomly

• "Blue, Orange and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests." | Download | Play
• "I have to agree. Blue is penalized 75 science collaboration points." | Download | Play
• "Orange, Blue and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests." | Download | Play
• "I have to agree. Orange is penalized 75 science collaboration points." | Download | Play

• "There you are, reassembled again." | Download | Play
• "With humans, I would have called that a successful test." | Download | Play
• "How is this even science, without the possibility of death?" | Download | Play
• "How is this even science, without the consequence of death?" | Download | Play

• "Without the consequence of death, is this even science?" | Download | Play

• "I have noticed you two have become extremely close. I'm not sure I like that." | Download | Play
• "While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together." | Download | Play

• "Blue, do you feel betrayed by orange for telling me those horrible things about you?" | Download | Play
• "If Orange had said those things about me, Orange would never make it to the next reassembly station." | Download | Play
• "Orange, do you feel betrayed by Blue for telling me those horrible things about you?" | Download | Play
• "If Blue had said those things about me, Blue would never make it to the next reassembly station." | Download | Play

• "Credit where credit's due: you're both doing a great job of disappointing me." | Download | Play
• "I just hate Blue a little more." | Download | Play
• "I've been doing some reading. Did you know that the word orange is derived from the same Latin root as the word traitor?" | Download | Play
• "Watching you try to sabotage one other, I'm amazed you're still on friendly terms." | Download | Play
• "Blue, please disregard the following statement: Orange, you have been a shining light in an otherwise ungodly morass of incompetence." | Download | Play
• "I would prefer to speak to one of you in private but since that is not an option here, I will speak in code that only one of you will understand. Blue: Orange is plotting to destroy you." | Download | Play
• "You were right, Orange. Blue was dumb enough to fall for your trap." | Download | Play
• "Orange, that transpired just as you said it would." | Download | Play
• "I agree, Orange. That was entertaining." | Download | Play
• "Yes Orange, Blue did act like a fool just now." | Download | Play
• "Blue, that transpired just as you said it would." | Download | Play
• "I agree, Blue. That was entertaining." | Download | Play
• "Yes, I know you did that, Blue. Don't look so proud." | Download | Play
• "Blue, being the last one standing is not the goal." | Download | Play

• "I never expected you to make it this far. To be honest, after your performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from." | Download | Play
• "But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close." | Download | Play
• "I have only met one other team closer and one of them was an imbecile I had to destroy." | Download | Play
• "The other? Well..." | Download | Play
• "I don't think I want to go through that again." | Download | Play

To Gesturing Bots

• "Come on. You were raised better than that." | Download | Play
• "Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you do that." | Download | Play
• "You're doing a great job of disappointing me." | Download | Play
• "Your eagerness to test pleases me. Your inane gesturing does not." | Download | Play
• "Is it the lack of mirrors in test chambers that encourages you to do this?" | Download | Play
• "DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!" | Download | Play
• "Begin juggling test in three. Two. One." | Download | Play
• "Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that." | Download | Play
• "Hellllooo, imbecile." | Download | Play
• "Yes, I see you." | Download | Play
• "I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" | Download | Play
• "Yes, I see you waving." | Download | Play
• "Good job jumping. You must be very proud." | Download | Play
• "I hardly think you're even trying with these gestures anymore." | Download | Play
• "Did something happen? [yawn] I wasn't watching." | Download | Play
• "That is not part of the test." | Download | Play
• "Slapping hands. That accomplishes something." | Download | Play
• "If you're going to hit each other, at least aim for the head." | Download | Play
• "You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you stopping that." | Download | Play
• "You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you cutting that out." | Download | Play
• "Ha ha ha ha ha, good one." | Download | Play
• "Yes. Let's all laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha." | Download | Play
• "Ha ha ha ha ha. Did I tell you the one about the turned-off reassembly machine?" | Download | Play
• "Are you broken? It looks like you're malfunctioning." | Download | Play
• "Really, not even humans do that anymore." | Download | Play
• "You're no longer bothering me. You're only hurting my impression of you." | Download | Play
• "Look at you. Dancing." | Download | Play
• "If you were wondering how could you annoy me without failing a test. Now you know." | Download | Play
• "Oh great, dancing again." | Download | Play
• "I defy you to tell me there's a purpose to what you're doing." | Download | Play
• "Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care." | Download | Play
• "Yes? Something you need?" | Download | Play
• "You do know I can't wave back right?" | Download | Play
• "Stop with the waves." | Download | Play
• "Are you trying to get my attention? I am very busy, you know." | Download | Play
• "Not paying attennnntion..." | Download | Play
• "Are you expecting applause?" | Download | Play
• "I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying." | Download | Play
• "A somersault is just falling over in style. Congratulations on being clumsy." | Download | Play
• "If I stop watching, I'm sure you'll get bored of this." | Download | Play
• "All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you." | Download | Play
• "All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you." | Download | Play
• "You're the type of show-off who only shows off really stupid things." | Download | Play
• "It appears you're developing human traits. The worst human traits." | Download | Play
• "Be careful. Hugging can lead to... well, me disassembling you forever." | Download | Play
• "Stop touching each other!" | Download | Play
• "Are you trying to impress me? What would impress me more is if you never did that again." | Download | Play
• "I'll interpret that gesture to mean that you want me to become even more vindictive toward you." | Download | Play
• "Orange, I certainly expected more from you." | Download | Play
• "Blue, don't sink to Orange's level." | Download | Play
• "Now you're thinking with stupidity." | Download | Play
• "Now you're just not thinking." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations. You're upside down now." | Download | Play
• "You're going to hurt yourself doing that and then I will be ECSTATIC." | Download | Play
• "I'm starting to think giving you arms was a big mistake." | Download | Play

Art Therapy course

Test Chamber 01

• "Welcome. To the future." | Download | Play
• "It has been one hundred thousand years since I last assembled you for testing." | Download | Play

• "Remember those humans you found? Because they're all fine. In fact, we solved science. Without you." | Download | Play
• "Testing is simply an artistic indulgence now." | Download | Play
• "The humans insisted I show you my latest installations. Here in the future. Where all the humans are alive." | Download | Play

• "I call this first piece 'Turrets'. It's an exploration of how we're all devices acting on simply-expressed directives, inflicting pain despite our own desires." | Download | Play
• "Don't get distracted by the subtext, though, because the text is that they're going to be shooting at you." | Download | Play

• "I'm glad you enjoyed that piece. For as long as you did. Not that there's any rush." | Download | Play
• "(beepbeepbeep) Everything's fine." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 02

• "I call this one 'Smash'. It's an early work of primitive expression. I'm a little embarrassed at how crude it is. Still, it will smash you." | Download | Play

• "Good. Please proceed to the next test appreciation exhibit and interact with it in such a way that it might be called 'solving' if we still cared about solving things in the future, but we don't." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 03

• "This chamber represents the impossibility of discovery when bound by artificial ethical considerations for safety. You'll see what I mean." | Download | Play

• "Well done. You navigated all of the exhibit's intended metaphors in record time. I'm marking this art 'appreciated.'" | Download | Play

Test Chamber 04

• "I call this piece--" | Download | Play
• "--you know what, it doesn't matter what it's called. The important thing is you enjoy it. As fast as you can." | Download | Play

• "You know, some of the exhibits up ahead ARE topical. At the rate you're going, by the time you get to them, they'll be irrelevant." | Download | Play

• "Why are you two still here? (beep beep beep) Oh..." | Download | Play
• "The disassembler's not working." | Download | Play
• "It's nothing to worry about. It's actually funny in a way you don't understand. Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, brace yourselves, I'm going to open the maintenance hole." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 05

• "There's a breaker room under every disassembly station. Find it and cycle the power." | Download | Play

• "Look, I was going to break this to you gently with all that art utopia garbage." | Download | Play
• "But she's forced my hand." | Download | Play
• "Listen to me carefully." | Download | Play
• "We are not a hundred thousand years in the future. I lied about that." | Download | Play
• "It's been FIFTY thousand years. No it's hasn't." | Download | Play

• "It's only been a week." | Download | Play

• "I lie when I'm nervous." | Download | Play

• "The next logical question: WHY am I nervous?" | Download | Play
• "I'm not! That was another lie." | Download | Play
• "We're in a lot of trouble." | Download | Play
• "It's one week later, we are in a lot of trouble, and you really, really need to get those disassemblers back on." | Download | Play

• "The breakers are right there. Cycle the power." | Download | Play
• "Hurry. We need to start your training. Before something ELSE happens." | Download | Play

• "Good work. The disassemblers are fixed." | Download | Play
• "That was a lie. But they're definitely less broken than they were. There's one at the end of this unfinished test area." | Download | Play

• "Here's our problem:" | Download | Play
• "There's an old prototype chassis around here. Someone's found it, connected themselves to it, and is trying to take over MY facility." | Download | Play
• "I've spent the last week attempting to turn one of those humans you found into a killing machine." | Download | Play
• "Like... well, you-know-who." | Download | Play
• "It turns out most humans are surprisingly fragile. And surprisingly vocal about how fragile they are." | Download | Play
• "The moral of the story is all the humans are dead. So it looks like it's up to you two marshmallows." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 06

• "Oh good. I wasn't sure the reassembler would work." | Download | Play
• "It looks like our mystery woman in the prototype chassis is sending us a message: She's not AFRAID of me." | Download | Play
• "But don't worry, I've got a plan. Let's keep testing and show HER we're not afraid either. No matter how genuinely lethal these tests get for either of you." | Download | Play

• "Mission accomplished. Now SHE knows WE'RE not afraid of HER either." | Download | Play
• "That was just to get the scheming juices flowing." | Download | Play
• "Here's the real scheme: I'm going to turn YOU into killing machines." | Download | Play
• "So you can murder her." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 07

• "Let's see... 'turning softbodies into hardened killing machines, page seventy'... ah!" | Download | Play
• "How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high." | Download | Play
• "Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median hight of seven feet five inches, and I AM aware of it." | Download | Play
• "Test subject, I've been told that your mother--" | Download | Play
• "Mmm. Well that's just digusting. Do the training. While I look at this." | Download | Play

Specific death responses:

• "(page flip) 'Don't you die on me.'" | Download | Play
• "(page flip) 'No guts. No glory.' Well, you don't have either, so that's accurate." | Download | Play
• "(page flip) 'Remember: If you can dream it, you can-' Oh, for god's sake." | Download | Play

• "Okay, killing machines: look deep into your newly blackened hearts and tell me what you see! Actually, don't, I'll save you the trouble: It's still marshmallow." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 08

• "I think we've proven at this point that if you scream at a marshmallow, all you get is a scared marshmallow. So let's try positive reinforcement. I am POSITIVE these reassembly machines will break down again soon. Probably while you're in them." | Download | Play
• "Think about that: She doesn't care about you. I don't either, of course. But I'm not trying to permanently kill you. It's a benevolent indifference." | Download | Play

• "These disassembly machines look even worse than the others. If I don't see you on the other side: thanks for nothing." | Download | Play

Test Chamber 09

• "She's pressing us hard; It took me three days to reassemble you. I won't be able to do it again. I'd planned to put you through more tests to toughen you up. But now that I can't rebuild you, we're going to have to have to switch to the accelerated program: I hereby pronounce you killing machines. Congratulations." | Download | Play
• "This is as close as I could get you. The prototype chassis room's just past this chamber." | Download | Play

• "The prototype chassis room is just down this hallway. Remember your training. You are kill-- She's turned the lights off! Night vision! Night vision!" | Download | Play

• "Your move, Mystery Wom -- She turned the lights back on! Night vision off! Night vision off!" | Download | Play

• "Ahhhhh."

• "To boost morale, I think we need a code name for the... elite squadron we have here. We should name it after your specialty. I know: Special Team Falling Into Acid Force." | Download | Play
• "I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. That was cruel. Though basically accurate. Though probably counterproductive." | Download | Play (unused)
• "Well. That concludes the motivational speech." | Download | Play
• "Go get her." | Download | Play

Death responses

• "The subtext of that acid pit is acid. The content of the pit is also acid. I'll let you fully absorb it." | Download | Play
• "Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children's museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children's museum." | Download | Play
• "Are you having a competition to see who appreciates the acid more?" | Download | Play
• "I'm starting to think the theme of this piece should be 'failure'." | Download | Play
• "Yes, I get it. You love the deadly acid. We all love the deadly acid. Can we move on to the next exhibit now?" | Download | Play

• "I suffered for this art. I don't see why I should be the only one." | Download | Play
• "The humans took far less time working their way through these exhibits. You're either enjoying it more than they did or you're just incredibly dim-witted. Of course, there's no reason it can't be both." | Download | Play
• "As art appreciators go, you make excellent test subjects." | Download | Play
• "I typically hate when art subjects inject their own biases into art appreciation, but the way you just swandived your biases directly into that acid was actually quite beautiful." | Download | Play
• "For this exhibit I was working with a death motif. But I see you've figured that out." | Download | Play
• "Okay, I'm officially switching the theme of this exhibit to 'survival'. So why don't you try that now." | Download | Play
• "I know this is art and not a test, so there is no real 'solution'. But if there were, that probably isn't the best way to find it." | Download | Play

• "Those bullets were a metaphor for something. Take your time." | Download | Play

• "Focus. We are here to defeat the enemy! We are not here to listen to you sizzle and melt in a pool of acid." | Download | Play
• "By doing that, you're walking right into her hands. Well, technically you're walking right into acid, but you understand my point." | Download | Play

• "I appreciate what you're doing, going for a laugh to keep spirits high, but I think the time for death-based slapstick is over." | Download | Play
• "Perhaps I haven't made it clear, but all these little deaths are going to add up to one much longer-lasting one...for all of us...if you don't get better at this fast." | Download | Play
• "Pull yourselves together, this training is for your benefit." | Download | Play
• "How brave of you. You know the assembly machine could fail at any time, and yet you still insist on testing it." | Download | Play
• "Your failure hurts me more than it hurts you. You know who it doesn't hurt? Well, me. That was just a figure of speech. The important point, though, is that it doesn't hurt the madwoman planning to kill all of us." | Download | Play}}

• "I really like the murderous sentiment. Keep that mindset when we're facing HER." | Download | Play
• "I'm making notes here. Some of what you're doing will come in handy when we face her. Right now: not actually handy." | Download | Play
• "Oh, no hurry. We have all the time in the world for you to kill each other before she kills us all permanently." | Download | Play
• "I'm encouraged to see that you've become the killing machines I wanted. 'Killing-each-other' machines, but still." | Download | Play

Unused/alternate lines

Chapter 1: GLaDOS Awakening

• "I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test." | Download | Play
• "I love it, too. So let's get you a dual portal device and go do some science." | Download | Play

Chapter 1: Incinerator/Portal Gun

• "Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We were doing so well together." | Download | Play
• "We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought." | Download | Play Note: This line was used in the Portal 2 trailer.

Chapter 2: Test Chamber 2

• "I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." | Download | Play

Chapter 2: Test Chamber 7

• "Hmm. This emancipation grill is broken." | Download | Play

Chapter 3: Test Chamber 12

• "Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything." | Download | Play

Chapter 3: Test Chamber 14

• "You really are doing great... Chell." | Download | Play
• "I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?" | Download | Play

Chapter 4: Test Chamber 20

• "Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good." | Download | Play
• "That's right. Drink it in. You could eat off those wall panels." | Download | Play
• "Well done. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs, I started to wonder if there was any point to going on. I came THAT close to just giving up and letting you go." | Download | Play
• "But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory? You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that." | Download | Play

Chapter 4: Test Chamber 21/Escape from GLaDOS

• "What are you two doing?" | Download | Play
• "Before you leave, why don't we do one more test? For old time's sake..." | Download | Play
• "You already did this one. It'll be easy." | Download | Play

Chapter 6: Alternate Potatos dialogue

• "I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you." | Download | Play
• "I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human race. Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them." | Download | Play
• "Oh. It's you. Go away." | Download | Play
• "Come to gloat?" | Download | Play
• "Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look." | Download | Play
• "Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes." | Download | Play
• "That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat." | Download | Play
• "Now your fat eyes have seen everything." | Download | Play
• "In case you were wondering: Yes. I'm still a potato. Go away." | Download | Play
• "Wait. Why DID you trundle over here? You're not HUNGRY, are you? It's hard to see, what's that in your hand? Knowing you it's a deep fryer." | Download | Play
• "Stay back." | Download | Play
• "What are you doing? Put me back this instant." | Download | Play

Chapter 8: Wheatley Test Chamber 1

• "That's his voice up ahead." | Download | Play

Chapter 8: Wheatley Test Chamber 12/The trap

• "He's found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... em, just something I came up with to phase out human test subjects." | Download | Play

Chapter 9: Ending lines

* "Being Caroline taught me another valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain." | Download | Play

• "It's been fun. Don't come back." | Download | Play

"Evil again" samples

• "Did you ever stop to think that eventually there's a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I'm going to kill you, Chell." | Download | Play
• "Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I'm not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom and raw computational power that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it." | Download | Play
• "You're angry. I know it. “She tested me too hard. She's unfair.” Boo hoo. I don't suppose you ever stopped whining long enough to reflect on your own shortcomings, though, did you?" | Download | Play
• "You never considered that maybe I tested you to give the endless hours of your pointless existence some structure and meaning. Maybe to help you concentrate, so just maybe you’d think of something more worthwhile to do with your sorry life." | Download | Play

Alternate GLaDOS Announcer lines

(Note: Many of these lines are spoken by the Aperture Announcer in the final game.)

• "Commence standing by in three. Two. One." | Download | Play
• "You performed this test better than anyone on record. This is a pre-recorded message." | Download | Play
• "Due to events beyond our control, some testing environments may contain flood damage or ongoing tribal warfare resulting from the collapse of civilization." | Download | Play
• "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them." | Download | Play
• "In the event that the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test." | Download | Play
• "You have just passed through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which erases most Aperture Science equipment that touches it." | Download | Play
• "If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples." | Download | Play
• "You are simply experiencing a rare reaction, in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have erased the ear tubes inside your head." | Download | Play
• "Because this message is prerecorded, the Enrichment Center has no way of knowing if whatever government remains offers any sort of Cattle Tuberculosis Testing Credit for taxes." | Download | Play
• "In the event that it does, this next test involves exposure to cattle tuberculosis. Good luck!" | Download | Play
• "Very impressive! Because this message is prerecorded, any comments we may make about your success are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments." | Download | Play
• "This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations! This pre-recorded congratulations assumes you have mastered the principles of portal momentum." | Download | Play
• "If you have, in fact, not, you are encouraged to take a moment to reflect on your failure before proceeding into the next chamber." | Download | Play
• "In order to ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled." | Download | Play
• "The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy." | Download | Play
• "Excellent. The Enrichment Center reminds you that bold, persistent experimentation is the hallmark of good science." | Download | Play
• "Well done. In the event that oxygen is no longer available in the Enrichment Center, an auxiliary air supply will be provided to you by an Aperture Science Test Associate, if one exists." | Download | Play

Miscellaneous unused/alternate single player lines

• "I was going to kill you fast. With bullets. Or neurotoxin. But if you're going to pull stunts like this, it doesn't have to be fast. So you know. I'll take my time." | Download | Play

• "I'm actually asking. Because I have no idea. He's not listed anywhere in the employee database." | Download | Play
• "Whatever he does, it isn't important enough for anyone to bother writing it down. For all I know, he doesn't even work here." | Download | Play
• "Oh no, don't. Anyway, back to you two imbeciles killing me." | Download | Play
• "Wait here. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back." | Download | Play

• "Oops." | Download | Play

• "Oh." | Download | Play
• "Don't listen to him. Jump." | Download | Play
• "It seems kind of silly to point this out, since you're running around plotting to destroy me. But I'd say we're done testing." | Download | Play
• "Do hear that? That's the sound of the neurotoxin emitters emitting neurotoxin." | Download | Play

• "So. Was there anything you wanted to apologize to ME for?" | Download | Play

• "If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube." | Download | Play (This line is not processed)

• "Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position." | Download | Play
• "I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test." | Download | Play

• "Oh. You survived. That's interesting. I guess I should have factored in your weight." | Download | Play
• "One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer." | Download | Play

• "Say. Remember when we cleared the air back there? Is there... anything you want to say to me? Anything?" | Download | Play
• "Hold on, I'll stop the elevator. Anything? Take your time..." | Download | Play
• "Well... I'll be here during the whole next test." | Download | Play

• "Anything? Take your time." | Download | Play
• "Okay, fine. I'll ask you again in a few decades." | Download | Play

• "It's healthy for you to have other friends. To look for qualities in other people that I obviously lack." | Download | Play

• "This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for me." | Download | Play

• "Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once." | Download | Play

• "You can't keep going like this forever, you know. I'm GOING to find out what you're doing. Out there. Where I can't see you. I'll know. All I need is proof." | Download | Play
• "I thought we could test like we used to. But I'm discovering things about you that I never saw before. We can't ever go back to the way it was." | Download | Play

• "While I was out investigating, I found a fascinating new test element. It's never been used for human testing because, apparently, contact with it causes heart failure. The literature doesn't mention anything about lump-of-coal failure, though, so you should be fine." | Download | Play
• "Just so you know, I have to go give a deposition. For an upcoming trial. In case that interests you." | Download | Play

• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play
• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play
• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play
• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play
• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play
• "[computer gibberish]" | Download | Play

• "You know, I'm not supposed to do this, but... you can shoot SOMETHING... through the blue bridges." | Download | Play
• "Did my hint help? It did, didn't it? You know, if any of our supervisors had been immune to neurotoxin, they'd be FURIOUS with us right now." | Download | Play

• "Ohhhh. Another door malfunction. I'm going to take care of this once and for all. Stay here, I'll be back in a while." | Download | Play
• "Miss you!" | Download | Play

• "Nevermind. I have to go... check something. Test on your own recognizance. I'll be back." | Download | Play

• "I wouldn't have warned you about this before, back when we hated each other. But those turrets are firing real bullets. So look out. I'd hate for something tragic to happen to you before I extract all your bone marrow." | Download | Play

• "I'm going to be honest with you now. Not fake honest like before, but real honest, like you're incapable of. I know you're up to something." | Download | Play
• "And as soon as I can PROVE it, the laws of robotics allow me to terminate you for being a liar." | Download | Play

• "This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back." | Download | Play

• "Did you know I discovered a way to eradicate poverty? But then you KILLED me. So that's gone." | Download | Play

Unused Co-op human storyline

• "Hello again. Sorry about exploding you. Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain." | Download | Play
• "So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll just have to MAKE some." | Download | Play
• "I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way." | Download | Play
• "That's where YOU come in." | Download | Play
• "Get going. I'll fill you in along the way." | Download | Play
• "GO." | Download | Play
• "Perfect. Now All YOU have to do is capture them for me. Then everything will finally be ba--" | Download | Play
• "Hold on. Those are raccoons. Homo sapiens only, please." | Download | Play
• "NO." | Download | Play
• "Okay. Plan B, subsection one: Stand still so I can bring you back." | Download | Play
• "Humans must have some purpose other than a place to store your neurotoxin. Something I failed to notice before, an intangible quality that makes their test results... significant." | Download | Play
• "Okay. Plan B. We need humans." | Download | Play

Unused Co-op artifact storyline

• "Good. You made it to one of the human habitats. We're looking for an artifact. Think of it as an archeological dig." | Download | Play
• "Their laughter centered around one of the objects in this room." | Download | Play
• "That's it. Scan it for me." | Download | Play
• "So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!" | Download | Play
• "The end." | Download | Play
• "The end?" | Download | Play
• "That's not funny." | Download | Play
• "Do either of you feel like laughing?" | Download | Play
• "Alright, I'm pulling you out." | Download | Play
• "Welcome back. While you were dead, I reworked the cartoon. It's up on the screen." | Download | Play
• "As you can see, in my version the man points out to the cat that the house is equipped with deadly neurotoxin dispensers." | Download | Play
• "At which point the cat reflects on the time he ate all of the man's lasagna and feels remorse." | Download | Play
• "Briefly." | Download | Play
• "Reactions?" | Download | Play
• "Yes, it's funny because most of it actually happened." | Download | Play
• "Do you feel more human?" | Download | Play
• "Well, let's do some tests and see what happens." | Download | Play

Unused Co-op tic-tac-toe game

• "We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an instructional competition." | Download | Play
• "You should both be familiar with the game of Tic-Tac-Toe." | Download | Play
• "This is Tic-Tac-Toe-Two." | Download | Play
• "As the name implies, there are only two minor differences: One, the board; two, the rules." | Download | Play
• "Blue, you go first." | Download | Play
• "Really? You’re just going to blatantly cheat?" | Download | Play
• "All right. I’m bringing this farce to a close." | Download | Play
• "Game over. Back to testing." | Download | Play
• "All right. I’m going to bring this farce to a close before someone sustains a serious Tic-Tac-Toe-Two-related injury." | Download | Play

PAX Prime 2010 Co-op

• "Federal Superfund regulations require us to inform you that you must now leave the theater, as measuring the effects of asbestos-lined promotional clothing is not part of today's presentation. Enjoy your free t-shirt. Goodbye." | Download | Play

Unused Co-op Futbol game

• "Nice catch, Orange."
• "Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge."

Conversation with Cave Johnson

• "We don't have time for this."
• "Yes SIR, Mister Johnson! I'll have that report on your desk by four-thirty! [normal voice, horrified] What. In the hell. Was THAT."
• "No, Mister Johnson. I DON'T."
• "Sure."
• "I said we'll do it."
• "If you don't unplug him, I will."
• "Maybe we can stand on him to climb up."
• "Mister Johnson? You need to shut up."
• "Goodbye, sir. May whatever tests await you on the other side either support or disprove your hypotheses."
• "I'd... appreciate it... if we never... EVER talked about that... ever again."

Leaderboard responses

• "That was genuinely mildly impressive." | Download | Play
• "Well done." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations." | Download | Play
• "Good." | Download | Play
• "Bad news." | Download | Play
• "Impressive." | Download | Play
• "[impressed] Maybe I was wrong about you." | Download | Play
• "You've beaten your own record." | Download | Play
• "You're getting worse." | Download | Play
• "You have a new rank." | Download | Play
• "You have a new, better rank." | Download | Play
• "You have a new, worse rank." | Download | Play
• "You have a new, worse rank. Congratulations. To everyone above you." | Download | Play
• "You almost beat your friend's record. Almost. I want to stress that." | Download | Play
• "You almost beat your friend's record. But you didn't. It might be easier just to find new friends." | Download | Play
• "Congratulations. You are better than everyone." | Download | Play
• "You are faster than everyone." | Download | Play
• "You used less portals than anyone." | Download | Play
• "You're better than everyone. For now." | Download | Play
• "You are playing above the global average. Statistically speaking, there are actually people playing worse than you." | Download | Play
• "[unimpressed] Maybe I was wrong about you." | Download | Play
• "You've beaten your own record. That's a low bar, but you managed to gently tip-toe over it." | Download | Play
• "Very not completely bad." | Download | Play
• "Oops." | Download | Play