Cave Johnson voice lines
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50's
- "They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch, no hand holding."
- "Not you test subject, you're doing fine."
- "Yes, you. Box your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye."
- "Science isn't about why, it's about why not! Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired!"
- "If you're hearing this it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction."
- "I'm no psychiatrist but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection."
- "They didn't fly into space, storm a beach or bring back the gold. No sir, we did. It's you and me against the world son, I like your grit. Hustle could use some work though. Now let's solve this thing!"
- "I'm telling them, keep ya pants on."
- "Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice, if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that will wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favour and just let that handsome devil go about his business."
- "Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me."
- "Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway, ramps are expensive."
- "Welcome gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians. You're here because we want the best, and you are it. So who's ready to make some science."
- "Haha, now you already met one another on the limo ride over so let me introduce myself."
- "I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."
- "That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline?"
- "She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married...to science."
- "Congratulations! The simple fact you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science."
- "As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests."
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70's
80's
- "Welcome to the Enrichment Centre [Coughs]"
- "Since making test participation mandatory for all employees the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention however, has not."
- "[Coughs] As a result you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up though."
- "First up, Conversion Gel [Coughs]"
- "Now the bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of Moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought em anyway! Ground them up, mixed them into a gel."
- "And guess what? Ground up Moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill."
- "Still it turns out they're a great Portal conductor. So now, we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new Portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives ya lemons, make lemonade [Coughs]. Let's all stay positive, and do some science."
- "That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline please bring me more pain pills."
- "The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now."
- "Brain mapping...Artificial intelligence...We shoulda been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place."
- "[Coughs] Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't. She's modest like that, but you make her! [Coughs]"
- "Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care."
- "Alright test over [Coughs] You can head on back to your desk."
- "Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!"
- "DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER. MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY IT THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! [Coughs]"