Cave Johnson voice lines

50's

• "They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch, no hand holding."
• "Not you test subject, you're doing fine."
• "Yes, you. Box your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye."
• "Science isn't about why, it's about why not! Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired!"
• "If you're hearing this it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction."
• "I'm no psychiatrist but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection."
• "They didn't fly into space, storm a beach or bring back the gold. No sir, we did. It's you and me against the world son, I like your grit. Hustle could use some work though. Now let's solve this thing!"
• "I'm telling them, keep ya pants on."
• "Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice, if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that will wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favour and just let that handsome devil go about his business."
• "Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me."
• "Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway, ramps are expensive."
• "Welcome gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians. You're here because we want the best, and you are it. So who's ready to make some science."
• "Haha, now you already met one another on the limo ride over so let me introduce myself."
• "I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."
• "That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline?"
• "She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married...to science."
• "Congratulations! The simple fact you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science."
• "As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests."
• "We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as along as you keep yourself in top physical form there will always be a limo waiting for you."
• "Say goodbye Caroline."
• "She is a gem."
• "Alright let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call Repulsion Gel."
• "You're not part of the control group by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint [Laughs] All joking aside that did happen. Broke every bone in his legs. Tragic, but informative. Or so I'm told."
• "We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell ya this. It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton."
• "Oh in case you got covered by that Repulsion Gel here's some advice the lab boys gave me [Rustles paper] Do not get covered in the Repulsion gel."
• "The lab boys just informed me that I should NOT have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea. Make more pre-recorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day."
• "There's a thousand tests performed everyday here in our Enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them so these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure."
• "Your test assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will."
• "Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor."
• "Those of you who volunteered to be injected with Praying Mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news."
• "Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you. Fighting an army of Mantis-men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."

70's

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80's

• "Welcome to the Enrichment Centre [Coughs]"
• "Since making test participation mandatory for all employees the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention however, has not."
• "[Coughs] As a result you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up though."
• "First up, Conversion Gel [Coughs]"
• "Now the bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of Moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought em anyway! Ground them up, mixed them into a gel."
• "And guess what? Ground up Moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill."
• "Still it turns out they're a great Portal conductor. So now, we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new Portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives ya lemons, make lemonade [Coughs]. Let's all stay positive, and do some science."
• "That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline please bring me more pain pills."
• "The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now."
• "Brain mapping...Artificial intelligence...We shoulda been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place."
• "[Coughs] Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't. She's modest like that, but you make her! [Coughs]"
• "Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care."
• "Alright test over [Coughs] You can head on back to your desk."
• "Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!"
• "DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER. MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY IT THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! [Coughs]"

Unknown for now

• "The average human male is about sixty percent water. As far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent."
• "For this next test we put some nano particles in the gel. In layman's terms that's a billion little gizmo's that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours."
• "Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing Lead underpants we took care of that too."
• "If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline. So all that means is it's working."
• "Just a heads up, that coffee we gave you earlier had florescent Calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the Calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction."
• "All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test...that's asbestos."
• "Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years. So if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punched those numbers into my calculator it makes a happy face."
• "If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests please let a test associate know. Because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us because that's not supposed to happen."
• "Just a heads up, we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do, probably nothing. Best case scenario you might get some superpowers. Worst case some tumours which we'll cut out."
• "If you're allergic to peanuts you might wanna tell somebody now because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side if we can make this happen they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel prize to give us so hang in there."
• "Now if you're part of control group Kepla 7 we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there. But if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test let us know. Because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees so gonna need to go ahead and get that out of ya pretty fast."
• "Alright we're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now this doesn't work with all skin types so try to remember which skin is yours and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it."
• "Haha."