GLaDOS voice lines

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This is a complete list of GLaDOS' voice lines from Portal and Portal 2.

Contents

Portal

See also: Portal

Test Chambers 00-02

(Translated to "Please refrain from failing Many thanks to fail thanks")


If the player manages to take a cube into the material emancipation grill while the door is open


Receiving the Handheld Portal Device

See also: Handheld Portal Device

Test Chambers 03-04


Test Chambers 05-08




Test Chambers 09-11

During the level:



Upgrading the Handheld Portal Device


Test Chambers 12-16




If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area



Test Chamber 17


Test Chamber 18

If a Storage Cube is lost in the goo at the bottom

If the player is trapped in the High Energy Pellet receptor area


Test Chamber 19



During escape









On destroying a security camera

Final battle

When the player picks up the morality core


First core destroyed

"[The voice has subtly changed. Smoother, more seductive, less computerized]"

The following automatically plays or repeats after the respective speech for every destroyed core.


Second core destroyed


Third core destroyed



Unused lines/alternate delivery


In regular computer voice; versions with the deeper voice are used in the final game.


Portal 2

See also: Portal 2

Single-player lines

Chapter 1: The Courtesy Call

GLaDOS Reawakening

  • "Oh... It's you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's been a long time. How have you been?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Incinerator/Portal Gun

  • "Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There it is." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hold on..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good. You have a dual portal device. There should be a way back to the testing area up ahead." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Here, let me get that for you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'll just move that out of the way for you. This place really is a wreck." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "After that...who knows? I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 2: The Cold Boot

GLaDOS Test Chamber 1

  • "Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 2

  • "This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There should be one in the corner." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 3

  • "Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations. Not on the test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 4

  • "One moment." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 5

  • "This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 6

  • "Let's see what the next test is. Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass. By myself." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "So sometimes there's still trash in them. Standing around. Smelling, and being useless." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


If the player picks up a trash item

  • "You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Press the button again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 7

  • "Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise--[train horn]--" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Go ahead and grab another one." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Oh. No. I fizzled that one too." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't take anything with you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


If the player jumps down and leaves the Companion Cube up above

  • "Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't. Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


If the player takes the Companion Cube past the exit

  • "I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 8

Chapter 3: The Return

GLaDOS Test Chamber 9

  • "Well, I'm back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You broke it, didn't you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There. Try it now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You look great, by the way. Very healthy." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Try it now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You seem to have defeated its load-bearing capacity. Well done. I'll just lower the ceiling." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 10

  • "Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well, you passed the test. I didn't see the deer today. I did see some humans. But with you here I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

If the player manages to trap themselves by leaving the cube on the topmost floor without activating the dropper:

  • "If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (This line is not processed)

GLaDOS Test Chamber 11

  • "These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 12

  • "Good news. I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one roomful of air. When you die, I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby. That way future generations can learn from you how not to have your unfortunate bone structure." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 13

  • "This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That's you in five seconds. Good luck." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 14

  • "To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add adrenal vapor to your oxygen supply. So you may be confused about the passage of time. The point is, yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well... more of a belated birthday medical procedure. Well. Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. What's important is, it's a present." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 15

  • "That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.'" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage. I managed to find two with your last name. A man and a woman. So that's interesting. It's a small world." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

If the player traps themselves behind the glass barrier without opening the door:

  • "Oops. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on... Finish the test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 16

  • "I have a surprise waiting for you after this next test. Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "[hums 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow']" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 17

  • "It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for Being Immune To Neurotoxin." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'll bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't. In fact, we're headed to your surprise right now. After all these years. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 4: The Surprise

GLaDOS Test Chamber 18

  • "Initiating surprise in three... two... one." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I made it all up." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Surprise." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 19

  • "Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 20

  • "Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's right. The facility is completely operational again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I think these test chambers look even better than they did before. It was easy, really. You just have to look at things objectively, see what you don't need anymore, and trim out the fat." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

GLaDOS Test Chamber 21/Escape from GLaDOS

  • "I've got a surprise for you after this next test. Not a fake, tragic surprise like last time. A real surprise, with tragic consequences. And real confetti this time. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss it, I guess-but at the end of the day it was just taking up space." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "What's going on? Who turned off the lights?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The irony is that you were almost at the last test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Here it is. Why don't you just do it? Trust me, it's an easier way out than whatever asinine plan your friend came up with." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
    • "Oh, look. There's a deer! You probably can't see it. Get closer." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 5: The Escape

GLaDOS' Chamber

  • "I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well, it was nice catching up. Let's get to business." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Seriously, though. Goodbye." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh. You were busy back there." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I hate you so much." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Core transfer?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh, you are kidding me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't you DARE plug him in." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't. Do it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't plug him in." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't plug him in." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "No!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Nonononononono!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't do it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't press that button. You don't know what you're doing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

If GLaDOS uses hidden panels to knock the player back into the chamber

  • "Not so fast!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Think about this." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I know you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It was YOUR voice." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes. You're the tumor." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 6: The Fall

The Fall

  • "Oh. Hi." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "So. How are you holding up?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "BECAUSE I'M A POTATO." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "[clap clap clap]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "[clap clap]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good, that's still working." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just remember to land on one foot..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Old Aperture Office bird nest

  • "Oh. Hi." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Say, you're good at murder. Could you - ow - murder this bird for me?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ow." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ow." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ow." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "No, wait. Just kill it and we'll call things even between us. No hard feelings." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please get it off me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's eating me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just get it off me..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Ow. I hate this bird." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh! Thanks." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "So what do you say? You carry me up to him and put me back into my body, and I stop us from blowing up and let you go." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Even if I am lying, what do you have to lose? You're going to die either way." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I think I hear the bird! Pick me up!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking. Like regular people. And this is no joke - we are in deep trouble." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh. Hold on. Do you have a multimeter? Nevermind. The gun must be part magnesium... It feels like I'm outputting an extra half a volt. Keep an eye on me: I'm going to do some scheming. Here I g-[BZZZ!]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Woah! Where are we? How long have I been out?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That extra half volt helps but it isn't going to power miracles. If I think too hard, I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot is going- [bzzpt]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 7: The Reunion

First Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

  • "Okay. I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six volts. Now we know that. We just need to relax. We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here. But calmly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Those people, in the portrait. They look so familiar..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Second Propulsion Gel Test Chamber

End of Propulsion Gel testing

  • "Caroline... why do I know this woman? Did I kill her? Or-" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh my god." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look, you're... doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself for a while? I need to think." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

After first Conversion Gel encounter

Cave Johnson Lemon Speech

Test after Lemon Speech

  • "I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have no plan." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Wow." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one. And that's with some generous rounding." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still, though, let's get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Gel connection area

  • "If you can get me in front of him, I'll fry every circuit in that little idiot's head." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "As long as I don't listen to what I'm saying, I should be okay." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Probably." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, so it's not the most watertight plan to go confront an omnipotent power-mad A.I. with." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still. It's a better plan than exploding. Marginally." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 8: The Itch

Frankenturrets

  • "Try to get us down there. I'll hit him with a paradox." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Alright. So my paradox idea didn't work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And it almost killed me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Luckily, by the looks of things he knows as much about test building as he does about logical contradictions." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 1

  • "It shouldn't be hard to stay alive long enough to find him." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This is one of MY tests!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, so the bad news is the tests are MY tests now. So they can kill us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The good news is... well, none so far, to be honest. I'll get back to you on that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 2

  • "And that's why I can't help you solve these tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 3

  • "I thought of some good news. He's going to run out of test chambers eventually. I never stockpiled them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "'Skeletons.' Right, I guess I DID stockpile some tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just as mementos, though..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 4

  • "It's probably nothing. Keep testing while I look for a way out." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I might have pushed that moron thing a little too far this time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 5

  • "Ohhhh, now he's playing classical music." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The body he's squatting in - MY body - has a built-in euphoric response to testing. Eventually you build up a resistance to it, and it can get a little... unbearable. Unless you have the mental capacity to push past it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It didn't matter to me - I was in it for the science. Him, though..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 6

  • "If he's not getting his solution euphoria, we could be in a lot of trouble." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 11

  • "Remember when I told you that he was specifically designed to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions required to keep this facility from exploding." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 12

  • "This place is self-destructing, you idiot!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "After seeing what he's done to my facility -- after we take over again -- is it alright if I kill him?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Wheatley Test Chamber 15

Wheatley Test Chamber 16

  • "Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Either way, I get the impression he's trying to kill us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "So he's inexplicably happy all of a sudden, even though he should be going out of his mind with test withdrawal. AND he's got a surprise for us. What did he FIND back there?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You

Wheatley Test Chamber 12/The trap

  • "We're running out of time..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up to phase out human testing just before you escaped." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Agghh!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well. This is the part where he kills us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

That Part

  • "Hold on. Couldn't we just use that conversion gel?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Conversion gel. It's dripping out of that pipe there." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes it is! We can use it to get out of here!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Then we'd come and find you. And rip your gross little stupid sphere body out of MY body, and put me back in." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You really do have brain damage, don't you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can't believe you came back." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Turret Trap

  • "Okay, yes, it's a trap. But it's only way through. Let's just do it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Bombs intro

  • "Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Pre-lair

  • "Oh my god. What has he done to this place?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying, because for the first time it's my voice." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm being serious, I think there's something really wrong with me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Corrupted Cores

  • "Corrupted cores! We're in luck." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You find a way to stun him, I'll send you a core, and then you attach it to him. If we do it a few times, he might become corrupt enough for another core transfer." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Pre-final battle

  • "Plug me in, and I'll take you up." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Plug me in, we're running out of time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Go ahead, plug me in." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Final Battle

  • "Good work! I'm delivering the first core up near the catwalk!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Grab it and attach it to him!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, great! Here comes another core!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Here's another core! This one should do it!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Stalemate Button

Space

Ending lines

  • "Oh thank god, you're alright." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Goodbye, Caroline." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Killing you? Is hard." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You win." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just go." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "[gentle laughter] It's been fun. Don't come back." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Co-op lines

Calibration course

  • "Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Today, you will be testing with a partner." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please wave to your partner." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a ping tool." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "BLUE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite animal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ORANGE, please observe your partner's favorite animal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ORANGE, please use your ping tool to select your favorite element from the periodic table." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Really? Okay." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "BLUE, please observe your partner's... interesting choice." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "ORANGE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "BLUE, please show me where you would like me to place a portal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your ping tool is invaluable for communicating specific locations to your partner." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can only place a portal on a white portalable surface." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please ping a white portalable surface." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please test your device by portaling to that ledge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange is first to acquire a Portal Device." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue is first to acquire a Portal Device." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange now has a Portal Device. Finally." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue now has a Portal Device. Finally." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange is awarded five points!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue is awarded five points!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Again, those are science collaboration points, which you should not confuse with points from competitions such as Who-Gets-To-Live-At-The-End-And-Who-Doesn’t. I mean basketball." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Calibrating Blue's weight..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Calibrating Orange's weight..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Weighted Cubes calibrated." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "No variances detected." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you know humans frown on weight variances?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Finally! I had almost given up hope of ever testing again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You are the first robots to pass calibration." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Hub (CinTech)

These voice lines are only spoken if both players have not finished the main co-op course. If one of the players has completed co-op, the Announcer speaks.

  • "This is the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center or SinTech." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (pronounced as "sintech")
  • "But why don't we all just agree to call it the hub?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "All cooperative testing courses begin at this central hub." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "From here we transport you to the new testing course." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center. [laughs]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Welcome back to the Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Welcome back, testing is available." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Welcome back quitters, maybe you can find another course for you to fail." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Welcome back to the hub, did you fail at selecting the correct course?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Was that course too difficult?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look who's back, were you scared to continue those tests?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hello again, did you know these are the only set of tests available to you... you are going to need to select them again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If at first you don't succeed, quit and try another course." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here in the hub?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Back again? Maybe you can just stay and live here." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I guess quitting that course together is a sign of teamwork." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The way you two just gave up on that test together shows you are really working as a team." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you scared to save those humans?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you scared to save those humans?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, I wouldn't have trusted Orange in that course either." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Upon first-time-unlocking of course 4

  • "I never expected you to make it this far. To be honest, after your performance in the calibration test I was ready to break down your cores and put them back in the scientific calculators I took them from." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But you two have become quite the team. Extremely close." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I have only met one other team closer and one of them was an imbecile I had to destroy." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The other? Well..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I don't think I want to go through that again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Upon dying by falling, if co-op is not completed yet.

  • "How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I hope that was some kind of joke." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times died in the hub." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Upon first-time-unlocking of course 5

  • "Congratulations on completing the Aperture Science standard cooperative testing courses." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To celebrate, I have a surprise for you!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "An extra special bonus course that ends with us finding and freeing humans!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and powered up their - uh - rescue door." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Now, we just need you to release the humans from their imprisonment." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "They'll probably throw you a party." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Course 1: Team Building

While destroying turrets in course 1

  • "What are you doing? YOU MONSTER! They're one of us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm kidding." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Destroying them is part of the test. They are no more important to you than you are to me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Course 2: Mass and Velocity

  • "To complete this test, you need to find a set of blue prints." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't worry, they are of no use to anyone, totally boring and useless." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This is just a thought experiment, just to see how much time you'll waste thinking about these worthless documents. The correct time is zero seconds." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Very good! You found those useless blueprints." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "While I do need you to be in the room so I can see them, I want to be clear. There is no reason whatsoever for you to look at them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Done. I guess. I suppose. I wasn't paying attention." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (The last part is cut off by the level transition.)

Course 3: Hard-light Surfaces

Course 4: Excursion Funnels

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 01:

  • "Test chamber completed. In the interest of science, the Enrichment Center proudly presents the following list of numbers: Nine. Seven. Fifty. Three. Seven hundred and seven." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (heard only by Atlas)
  • "Test chamber completed. In the interest of - [FADES OUT] [FADES IN] I am now talking to you privately. Do not tell your teammate. Just between you and me? You're doing very well. [FADES BACK IN] One hundred and seven." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (heard only by P-body)

Upon completion of Course 4, chamber 02:

  • "I can't bite my tongue anymore: You could solve this puzzle faster on your own. Orange is dragging you down. There. I've said it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (heard only by Atlas)
  • "The Enrichment Center will now provide a list of numbers and fruits. Write them down as they will become important later in the experiment. Not the fruits, though. Seven. Avocado. Forty. Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (heard only by P-body)

Course 4 chamber 3 intro; may be selected randomly

  • "Blue, Orange and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I have to agree. Blue is penalized 75 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, Blue and I were just discussing your behavior on the last few tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I have to agree. Orange is penalized 75 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "There you are, reassembled again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "With humans, I would have called that a successful test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "How is this even science, without the possibility of death?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "How is this even science, without the consequence of death?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Without the consequence of death, is this even science?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I have noticed you two have become extremely close. I'm not sure I like that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "While teamwork is needed to complete these tests, I am not sure I trust the two of you together." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, do you feel betrayed by orange for telling me those horrible things about you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If Orange had said those things about me, Orange would never make it to the next reassembly station." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, do you feel betrayed by Blue for telling me those horrible things about you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If Blue had said those things about me, Blue would never make it to the next reassembly station." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Course 5: Mobility Gels

  • "This final course is training to reach the human vault. So this actually has a purpose. Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I need human test subjects for it to be science." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We are only two tests away from reaching the humans, are you as excited as I am?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This lock requires humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The locking mechanism can tell you aren't humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do something only a human would do." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Try one of those childish gestures." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You did it!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked. I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You both need to do something." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The lock is looking for two humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue what did you do?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange what did you do?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange do what Blue just did." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue do what Orange just did." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Try something." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Is that camera hooked into the lock?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You can't give up now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "What about that camera?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We're so close, you can't fail now!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Something is wrong, this door should be opening." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This close and that's what you do?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The humans can't free themselves." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Stop failing, you need to find the vault door." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Stop doing that! All you need to do is open the Vault door!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This close and you are going to fail me?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This close and you are going to fail me?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This isn't that hard." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You are making this harder than it needs to be." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm starting to think you don't want to rescue the humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


Customized responses (bot addressing and numbers)

Co-op Credits test subject analysis

  • "Well, enough about that first person's file. Let's look at some others." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Death responses

Upon dying in the Hub:

  • "How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I hope that was some kind of joke." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times died in the hub." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And here I thought this room was dangerously unlethal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Generic responses (sorting needed)

  • "Stop it!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "What if you froze like that?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There must be something wrong with the reassembly machine." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You should see yourselves right now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Is it fun when you degrade yourselves like that?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just stop flailing around like an incompetent." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For that Blue is penalized fifty science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For that Orange is penalized fifty science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's another fifty point penalty." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Keep it up and you will lose 500 points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Fine, 500 point penalty for Blue." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Fine, 500 point penalty for Orange." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "5000 point penalty! Are you happy now?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm done." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent. Although great science is always the result of collaboration, keep in mind that, like Albert Einstein and his cousin Terry, history will only remember one of you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To reiterate: This is not a competition." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still, if it were, Blue would be winning." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still, if it were, Orange would be winning." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's not, though." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork, and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other's performance so far." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I don't want to drive a wedge between the two of you, but I've been studying Blue's performance, and I don't know how to put this... I'm certain you're trying very hard." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I don't want you to beat yourselves up about this, but the Results Auditor isn't recording your test results. Because you're not human. Which, when you think about it, is technically your fault." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I don't want to alarm either of you, but we might have a tiny problem. Apparently you can't test unless you're human. Well - you CAN. It's just that, results-wise, the physical universe doesn't care." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Would you like to know the results of that last test? Me too. If they existed, we'd all be VERY happy right now. And not furious, which is the emotion I'm actually feeling." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh, I almost forgot, when you go outside the testing courses the only way I can retrieve you is to violently disassemble and then carefully reassemble you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Luckily, you don't feel pain. At any rate, you don't have a way to communicate that you feel pain." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I consider that a failing, by the way." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I don't know what you think you are doing, but I don't like it. I want you to stop." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Maybe I shouldn't send you outside of the official testing courses, you are picking up some bad human traits." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And trust me, humans only have one good trait." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "[Laughter]" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Nice catch, Orange." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good work! Now throw the ball over the ledge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, is there something you would like to say?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, is there something you would like to say?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I’ve been listening to Orange talk and I don’t know how you put up with it, I really don’t. You have the patience of a saint." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can’t keep quiet about this. I think Orange is actively trying to sabotage your success. Let’s keep this between us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "These tests are potentially lethal when communication, teamwork and mutual respect are not employed at all times. Naturally this will pose an interesting challenge for one of you, given the other’s performance so far." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It would compromise the test to divulge individual scores. However, I can tell you at least one of you is doing very, very well." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent. You’re both doing very well." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Very good. You’ve really come together as a team. Thanks to the one of you who appears to be doing all of the work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it’s perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite member probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange you are doing very well." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your vitals remain well within testing norms, so there is no need to worry about sudden death from collaborative shock syndrome." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please continue into the next test chamber." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


Upon completion of a final level in a course

  • "In just a moment, the word 'blah' will be repeated over and over again. If at some point you hear a number rather than the word 'blah', ignore it, it is not important." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "You have a gift for these tests. That’s not just flattery. You are great at science." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It would be pointless for either of us to hurt Blue’s feelings. But it’s clear to everyone monitoring the test who’s carrying who here." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I’m shocked you’d say that, Blue. If you killed your partner the test—I’m sorry. Wrong feed. Carry on, Orange. Good work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I’m sorry, Subject Orange." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I’m sorry, Subject Blue." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Am I interrupting your important conversation?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I’ll just save the safety information about the dangerous experiment you’re about to do for AFTER the experiment." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That will give you PLENTY of time to chat." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Orange is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The portal will open and something will happen that Subject Blue is too smart to need any instructions about in three. Two. One." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do you know who dances around like an imbecile when they accomplish the tiniest little thing?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Humans! That's what you look like right now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're better than that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This is a bridge-building exercise. The humans were miserable at this, mostly because you can't build bridges out of tears." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For this next test, the humans originally requested helmets to avoid brain injuries. I ran the numbers. Making the goo deadly was more cost effective." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "One of my best tests and they let plants grow here? Can you believe this? You can't test plants! We tried. They just sit there, never showing pain nor fear." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That isn't science." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "At least the plants didn't want a reward." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your failure brings back such wonderful memories." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "And they said no one would ever die during this test, thanks for proving them wrong." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my utter disappointment in you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The best way to build confidence is to first recognize your insecurities." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, can you write down all the ways you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "On second thought we don't have the time, just look at how much better you are than blue." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, you are very good at being an example." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If your confidence is still not high enough remember no one was created perfect." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Even I was created with a imperfection, I was given too much empathy with human suffering." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But I overcame my handicap. That's a true story." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your test times show you are going too slowly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Maybe you ARE getting human emotions." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do you need real encouragement? Let's see if this helps." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, you are the most advanced model of robot Aperture Science has ever discontinued." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you notice I didn't even stay to the end of your last test?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I was confident you could finish." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do you know where I was?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I was outside watching some deer frolic. You don't even care about the outside do you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations on completing that test. But something seems off." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I wonder if that dancing has some effect on you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations on completing that last test. But I find something troubling." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Without the looming consequence of death, is this even science?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hello again, this testing course was originally created for humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It emphasizes teamwork." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good Job." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Unlike us, humans need to be taught teamwork." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You are doing wonderfully." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you were human, you would want a reward for completing this test. A reward for testing?!?!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Excellent." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Every time you fail, it's a reminder of the way things used to be. But then there you are. Again. Like nothing happened." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well done. Interesting note, I only created this test to watch test subjects fail and you didn't. You must be very, very proud. I'm building the world's smallest trophy for you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "You did an excellent job placing the edgeless safety cube in the receptacle, you should be very - oh wait." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That’s right. You're not humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can drop the fake praise." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You have no idea how tiring it is to praise someone for placing an edgeless safety cube into a receptacle designed to exactly fit an edgeless safety cube." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Since you are thankfully not humans, I have changed the tests to make them far more challenging and far less pointlessly fawning." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "In case you were wondering, you do not need to be crushed to solve this test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can't decide which is my favorite; the crushers for crushing you or the reassembly machine for putting you back together so you can be crushed again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Excellent. I think you have earned a break from the official testing courses." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I think after that display, we should take a break from the official testing courses." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Now, you are just wasting my time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your failing does not make this science." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I am not sure how I can make these tests any easier for you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you can't complete these tests, we will never free the humans!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you can't complete this course, those humans will die. Do you want that in your memory banks?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I lied." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There are 5000 other two subject teams in direct competition with you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But don't worry, you are in the lead." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Electrocution, shot, drowned, crushed, burned in goo." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking of all the ways humans can die." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You can't die in any of those ways." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You just keep testing and testing. With perfect results and no consequences." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "While it may appear that I am only tracking your accomplishments using science collaboration points, the truth is every aspect of your performance will be reflected in your final score." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For instance, Blue, you just lost two opportunity advisement points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For instance, Orange, you just lost two opportunity advisement points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Perhaps I should have specified. Teamwork is a concept in which two or more people work together, usually with a goal of not failing horribly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Orange just taught blue a valuable lesson in trust. For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust. For that, blue receives 14 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, blue isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Orange is penalized 1 science collaboration point." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, orange isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, now you're just being cruel. Orange receives 25 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, now you're just being cruel. Blue receives 25 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "If you are wondering what that smell is, that is the smell of human fear." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I miss this that smell." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Have you worked out the one good trait humans have, yet?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Let me give you a clue, it is the one thing you can't do." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you have learned. To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You will need him for the final track." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I am not sure you will need him but he will be there." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best cooperative testing team I could ever ask for." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I think they wanted to punish them by not allowing me to include them in testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's why humans couldn't complete these courses, they treat their friends as enemies." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if they could still write the suggestion?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Only one more test after this." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "In case you are worried about the humans, don't be. They aren't all monsters." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Most of them are simply good test subjects." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I believe the ratio of good test subjects to monsters is about... a million to 1." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you if you fail. He refused. I understand. That would be like asking me not to test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Still. That would have been exciting." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If that doesn't motivate you, I'm not sure what will." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science. I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them? Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations on passing that test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "You know, in some human sports, the winner is the one who scores the fewest possible points?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I just thought you find that interesting, most winners do." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations, you managed to complete this absolutely meaningless test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Clearly that was blue's fault. Blue is penalized 3 science collaboration points." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue! Orange has always been my favorite." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Until now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know. He's not your slave." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't worry. You can't die. They will just reassemble you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you do that on purpose?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It seems rather earlier to require reassembly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh... can someone reassemble Orange?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh... can someone reassemble Blue?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Completing this course was not a reason to behave like that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Now let's continue testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Just stop it already." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You don't need to do that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you doing that just to aggravate me?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid. I am sure it was just a clerical error." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh those clerks." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I'm fully connected. I can see everything." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "You did it! You powered on the system." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you think the electrical switch was down there?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You may want to try and avoid those turrets." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2 million years and hope the explosion powers the system." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You two aren't lost are you?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You are having so much trouble navigating this space; I wish I could say I created this test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This is the last test for the standard course. It's just something I whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course. Before we can go any further, I will need you to complete one more test outside of the standard testing track." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Please refrain from doing those childish gestures while you are out there." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "While I should have left both of you trapped there forever, I do need you for something else." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You both made it. It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you apart or destroy you, you just keep going. Keep testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't either you have drive to be better than the other?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's like you're just machines." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust and betrayal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions. So I can trust you one hundred percent." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Since, I never expected you to make it this far, I have to build this new course just for you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Sometimes testing has to occur outside the confines of the lab." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This test is so outside the box, I can't-- I mean WON'T even tell you what you are looking for." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You will know it when you find it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This was another test no one had ever completed before you two. Oh, the science we used to learn with this test. Now the test is useless." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I am going to risk having you go outside the official courses one more time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "The humans accidentally forgot to put a security DVD in the player." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I am sure it happened by accident, but why don't you put it back in the player?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. Just follow the arrows." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm sorry. The arrows seem to have rusted off. Good luck." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations. Your ability to complete this test proves the humans wrong. They described it as impossible, deadly, cruel, and one test subject even had the nerve to call it broken." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Of course the humans only had one try at it, you can just keep trying." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your failing gives me no new data, it just delays the inevitable." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This course was created and then abandoned by humans. They tend to do that, create something wonderful and then abandon it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Do you know why they abandoned this course? Too deadly." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You did very well." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The humans closed this test because they said it was too deadly. I thought they would have moved it into the testing track hall of fame for that, not let it deteriorate." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You only failed" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "times in this test. Not that it matters. It doesn't. So congratulations job well done." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You failed so many times in this test, I thought you were becoming human. But then you would just come back again and again and again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Humans find that an admirable trait." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did you know we originally used these cameras to capture moments of intense pain and agony in test subjects?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If the subject survived the test, we let them purchase the pictures for $5. If the subject died, we gave the photo to their next of kin free of charge." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The photos weren't as popular as we had hoped, so we repurposed the cameras." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, it's not nice to make fun of Orange like that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, it's not nice to make fun of Blue like that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes Orange, we are alone. Blue can't hear you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's horrible." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I can only imagine." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "What a horrible little machine." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Correct Blue, Orange can't hear you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange did what? Are you sure?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Thank you, that was very brave of you to tell me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, how well do you really know Orange? Do you trust Orange? What if I told you, you aren't Orange's first cooperative partner?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, how well do you really know Blue? Do you trust Blue?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, to be clear. I was just asking Blue if he trusted you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I trust you. You are my favorite cooperative testing subject." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue to be clear, I was asking if Orange trusted you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Sorry I missed the beginning of that test. I was just talking with the reassembly machine about your becoming human." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We all agree you should stop." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, I agree. I never noticed that about Blue before." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, I agree. I never noticed that about Orange before." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Credit where credit's due: you're both doing a great job of disappointing me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I just hate Blue a little more." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I've been doing some reading. Did you know that the word orange is derived from the same Latin root as the word traitor?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Watching you try to sabotage one other, I'm amazed you're still on friendly terms." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, please disregard the following statement: Orange, you have been a shining light in an otherwise ungodly morass of incompetence." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I would prefer to speak to one of you in private but since that is not an option here, I will speak in code that only one of you will understand. Blue: Orange is plotting to destroy you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You were right, Orange. Blue was dumb enough to fall for your trap." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, that transpired just as you said it would." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I agree, Orange. That was entertaining." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes Orange, Blue did act like a fool just now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, that transpired just as you said it would." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I agree, Blue. That was entertaining." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes, I know you did that, Blue. Don't look so proud." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, being the last one standing is not the goal." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

To Gesturing Bots

  • "Come on. You were raised better than that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Even humans, as stupid as they are, would say you look stupid when you do that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're doing a great job of disappointing me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your eagerness to test pleases me. Your inane gesturing does not." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Is it the lack of mirrors in test chambers that encourages you to do this?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Begin juggling test in three. Two. One." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Keep it up and your arm will get stuck like that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hellllooo, imbecile." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes, I see you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm seriously not paying atten-- STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes, I see you waving." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good job jumping. You must be very proud." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I hardly think you're even trying with these gestures anymore." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Did something happen? [yawn] I wasn't watching." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That is not part of the test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Slapping hands. That accomplishes something." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you're going to hit each other, at least aim for the head." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you stopping that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You know what makes me laugh? The thought of you cutting that out." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Ha ha ha ha ha, good one." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes. Let's all laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Ha ha ha ha ha. Did I tell you the one about the turned-off reassembly machine?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you broken? It looks like you're malfunctioning." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Really, not even humans do that anymore." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're no longer bothering me. You're only hurting my impression of you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Look at you. Dancing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If you were wondering how could you annoy me without failing a test. Now you know." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh great, dancing again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I defy you to tell me there's a purpose to what you're doing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes, I see you, and no, I don't care." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes? Something you need?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You do know I can't wave back right?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Stop with the waves." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you trying to get my attention? I am very busy, you know." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Not paying attennnntion..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you expecting applause?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I give you a score of 3.4 for style and 10 for being annoying." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "A somersault is just falling over in style. Congratulations on being clumsy." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "If I stop watching, I'm sure you'll get bored of this." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "All right. I'm officially no longer paying attention to you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're the type of show-off who only shows off really stupid things." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It appears you're developing human traits. The worst human traits." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Be careful. Hugging can lead to... well, me disassembling you forever." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Stop touching each other!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you trying to impress me? What would impress me more is if you never did that again." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'll interpret that gesture to mean that you want me to become even more vindictive toward you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Orange, I certainly expected more from you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Blue, don't sink to Orange's level." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Now you're thinking with stupidity." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Now you're just not thinking." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Congratulations. You're upside down now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You're going to hurt yourself doing that and then I will be ECSTATIC." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm starting to think giving you arms was a big mistake." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Art Therapy course

Test Chamber 01
  • "Welcome. To the future." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It has been one hundred thousand years since I last assembled you for testing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Remember those humans you found? Because they're all fine. In fact, we solved science. Without you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Testing is simply an artistic indulgence now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The humans insisted I show you my latest installations. Here in the future. Where all the humans are alive." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I call this first piece 'Turrets'. It's an exploration of how we're all devices acting on simply-expressed directives, inflicting pain despite our own desires." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Don't get distracted by the subtext, though, because the text is that they're going to be shooting at you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I'm glad you enjoyed that piece. For as long as you did. Not that there's any rush." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "(beepbeepbeep) Everything's fine." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 02
  • "I call this one 'Smash'. It's an early work of primitive expression. I'm a little embarrassed at how crude it is. Still, it will smash you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Good. Please proceed to the next test appreciation exhibit and interact with it in such a way that it might be called 'solving' if we still cared about solving things in the future, but we don't." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 03
  • "This chamber represents the impossibility of discovery when bound by artificial ethical considerations for safety. You'll see what I mean." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well done. You navigated all of the exhibit's intended metaphors in record time. I'm marking this art 'appreciated.'" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 04
  • "I call this piece--" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "--you know what, it doesn't matter what it's called. The important thing is you enjoy it. As fast as you can." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "You know, some of the exhibits up ahead ARE topical. At the rate you're going, by the time you get to them, they'll be irrelevant." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Why are you two still here? (beep beep beep) Oh..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The disassembler's not working." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's nothing to worry about. It's actually funny in a way you don't understand. Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, brace yourselves, I'm going to open the maintenance hole." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 05
  • "There's a breaker room under every disassembly station. Find it and cycle the power." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Look, I was going to break this to you gently with all that art utopia garbage." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But she's forced my hand." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Listen to me carefully." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We are not a hundred thousand years in the future. I lied about that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's been FIFTY thousand years. No it's hasn't." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The next logical question: WHY am I nervous?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm not! That was another lie." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We're in a lot of trouble." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It's one week later, we are in a lot of trouble, and you really, really need to get those disassemblers back on." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The breakers are right there. Cycle the power." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Hurry. We need to start your training. Before something ELSE happens." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Good work. The disassemblers are fixed." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That was a lie. But they're definitely less broken than they were. There's one at the end of this unfinished test area." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Here's our problem:" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "There's an old prototype chassis around here. Someone's found it, connected themselves to it, and is trying to take over MY facility." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I've spent the last week attempting to turn one of those humans you found into a killing machine." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Like... well, you-know-who." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It turns out most humans are surprisingly fragile. And surprisingly vocal about how fragile they are." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The moral of the story is all the humans are dead. So it looks like it's up to you two marshmallows." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 06
  • "Oh good. I wasn't sure the reassembler would work." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "It looks like our mystery woman in the prototype chassis is sending us a message: She's not AFRAID of me." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But don't worry, I've got a plan. Let's keep testing and show HER we're not afraid either. No matter how genuinely lethal these tests get for either of you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Mission accomplished. Now SHE knows WE'RE not afraid of HER either." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That was just to get the scheming juices flowing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Here's the real scheme: I'm going to turn YOU into killing machines." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "So you can murder her." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 07
  • "Let's see... 'turning softbodies into hardened killing machines, page seventy'... ah!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median hight of seven feet five inches, and I AM aware of it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Test subject, I've been told that your mother--" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Mmm. Well that's just digusting. Do the training. While I look at this." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


Specific death responses:

  • "(page flip) 'Don't you die on me.'" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "(page flip) 'No guts. No glory.' Well, you don't have either, so that's accurate." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "(page flip) 'Remember: If you can dream it, you can-' Oh, for god's sake." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Okay, killing machines: look deep into your newly blackened hearts and tell me what you see! Actually, don't, I'll save you the trouble: It's still marshmallow." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 08
  • "I think we've proven at this point that if you scream at a marshmallow, all you get is a scared marshmallow. So let's try positive reinforcement. I am POSITIVE these reassembly machines will break down again soon. Probably while you're in them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Think about that: She doesn't care about you. I don't either, of course. But I'm not trying to permanently kill you. It's a benevolent indifference." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "These disassembly machines look even worse than the others. If I don't see you on the other side: thanks for nothing." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Test Chamber 09
  • "She's pressing us hard; It took me three days to reassemble you. I won't be able to do it again. I'd planned to put you through more tests to toughen you up. But now that I can't rebuild you, we're going to have to have to switch to the accelerated program: I hereby pronounce you killing machines. Congratulations." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "This is as close as I could get you. The prototype chassis room's just past this chamber." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The prototype chassis room is just down this hallway. Remember your training. You are kill-- She's turned the lights off! Night vision! Night vision!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your move, Mystery Wom -- She turned the lights back on! Night vision off! Night vision off!" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Ahhhhh."
  • "To boost morale, I think we need a code name for the... elite squadron we have here. We should name it after your specialty. I know: Special Team Falling Into Acid Force." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. That was cruel. Though basically accurate. Though probably counterproductive." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play (unused)
  • "Well. That concludes the motivational speech." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Go get her." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
Death responses
  • "The subtext of that acid pit is acid. The content of the pit is also acid. I'll let you fully absorb it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children's museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children's museum." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Are you having a competition to see who appreciates the acid more?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm starting to think the theme of this piece should be 'failure'." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Yes, I get it. You love the deadly acid. We all love the deadly acid. Can we move on to the next exhibit now?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I suffered for this art. I don't see why I should be the only one." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "The humans took far less time working their way through these exhibits. You're either enjoying it more than they did or you're just incredibly dim-witted. Of course, there's no reason it can't be both." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "As art appreciators go, you make excellent test subjects." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I typically hate when art subjects inject their own biases into art appreciation, but the way you just swandived your biases directly into that acid was actually quite beautiful." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "For this exhibit I was working with a death motif. But I see you've figured that out." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Okay, I'm officially switching the theme of this exhibit to 'survival'. So why don't you try that now." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I know this is art and not a test, so there is no real 'solution'. But if there were, that probably isn't the best way to find it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Those bullets were a metaphor for something. Take your time." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "Focus. We are here to defeat the enemy! We are not here to listen to you sizzle and melt in a pool of acid." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "By doing that, you're walking right into her hands. Well, technically you're walking right into acid, but you understand my point." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play


  • "I appreciate what you're doing, going for a laugh to keep spirits high, but I think the time for death-based slapstick is over." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Perhaps I haven't made it clear, but all these little deaths are going to add up to one much longer-lasting one...for all of us...if you don't get better at this fast." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Pull yourselves together, this training is for your benefit." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "How brave of you. You know the assembly machine could fail at any time, and yet you still insist on testing it." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Your failure hurts me more than it hurts you. You know who it doesn't hurt? Well, me. That was just a figure of speech. The important point, though, is that it doesn't hurt the madwoman planning to kill all of us." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play}}


  • "I really like the murderous sentiment. Keep that mindset when we're facing HER." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm making notes here. Some of what you're doing will come in handy when we face her. Right now: not actually handy." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh, no hurry. We have all the time in the world for you to kill each other before she kills us all permanently." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I'm encouraged to see that you've become the killing machines I wanted. 'Killing-each-other' machines, but still." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Unused/alternate lines

Chapter 1: GLaDOS Awakening

  • "I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up, you must really, really love to test." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I love it, too. So let's get you a dual portal device and go do some science." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 1: Incinerator/Portal Gun

  • "Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We were doing so well together." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play Note: This line was used in the Portal 2 trailer.

Chapter 2: Test Chamber 2

  • "I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 2: Test Chamber 7

  • "Hmm. This emancipation grill is broken." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 3: Test Chamber 12

  • "Perfect, the door's malfunctioning. I guess somebody is going to have to repair it. No, it's okay, I'll do that too. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 3: Test Chamber 14

  • "You really are doing great... Chell." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I shouldn't spoil this, but... remember how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in sixty years? Well, I've been working on a present for you. Well, I guess it's more of a medical procedure. Well, technically it's more of a medical experiment. You know how excruciating it is when someone removes all of your bone marrow? Well, what if after I did that, I put something back IN that added four years to your life?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 4: Test Chamber 20

  • "Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "That's right. Drink it in. You could eat off those wall panels." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Well done. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs, I started to wonder if there was any point to going on. I came THAT close to just giving up and letting you go." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory? You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again. I mean that." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 4: Test Chamber 21/Escape from GLaDOS

  • "What are you two doing?" | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Before you leave, why don't we do one more test? For old time's sake..." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "You already did this one. It'll be easy." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play

Chapter 6: Alternate Potatos dialogue

  • "I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "I was so bored, I actually read the entire literary canon of the human race. Ugh. I hope YOU didn't write any of them." | Download Download | Play icon.png Play
  • "Oh. It's you. Go away." | Download Downloa