The Underground/Episode 1 Transcript

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This is a transcript of Episode 1 of The Underground.

Paranoia: Oh God, oh God. No. Nonononono! Aaah! Where am I? Oh no, this is hell, isn't it? It's Android Hell, isn't it? I knew it, I knew it was real! Whoops! (beat) I'm.. I'm not dead.

Interview: Even worse. You're on... a talk show!

Opening sequence plays.


Interview: Welcome, welcome to The Underground, where the rejected are respected and the best case has no place. We are broadcasting live from the bowels of Aperture Laboratories.


Interview: Please, please, adoring fans, hold your applause.

Applause shuts off.

Interview: Here at The Underground, we have direct access to all security feeds from all corners of the facility. An endless supply of defective equipment, and it's always 1978. This is sure to be one exciting broadcast, so don't change that channel. Now, let's meet our first guest, shall we?

Paranoia: (quickly) Ugh! Ohgodohgodohgodohgod...

Interview: Hey, hey, calm down, calm down, it's all right, okay?

Paranoia: (quickly) Don't touch me, when was the last time you washed your hands?

Interview: I don't have hands, pal.

The Paranoia Core and the Interview Core

Paranoia: (quickly) You don't even have hands? What's going on? Oh, God, what do I do, what do I do?

Interview: Well, how about you introduce yourself?

Paranoia: Introduce myself? They... They say I'm a Paranoia Core. Paranoia, can you believe it? That's not a tumor, they say, you're just paranoid. There's no chamber full of mantis men, you're just paranoid. But I know, I know!

Interview: So, I take it you've been around, eh?

Paranoia: Oh, I've been around. I've been around long enough to see the secrets they keep hidden here, behind the walls. Secret walls built in the dead of night in secret to house all the secret boxes that contain files of all the secret rooms where all the real secrets are being kept.

Interview: Fascinating. Why don't you elaborate? I'm sure our viewers would love to hear more!

Paranoia: They... They would?

Interview: Of course!

Paranoia: Why?

Interview: I'm an Interview Sphere, programmed to ask questions. And my audience is here for answers. Now give it to me straight.

Paranoia: Come closer. No, no, closer. (whispering)The turrets.

Interview: The turrets?

Paranoia: (screaming) The turrets!

Anthony and the Band

Interview: You don't mean these turrets?

Paranoia: The turrets! Oh, God, they found me!

Interview: Oh, no, that's just Anthony and the Fritz Brothers Band.

Defective Turret 1: Hi.

Defective Turret 2: Hey.

Anthony: (low pitch) Hey, what's up?

Interview: How ya doing today, Anthony?

Anthony: I'm a little blue. My girlfriend just broke up with me.

Interview: Ah, she was too good for you.

Anthony: I know, I'm a defective!

Interview: (laughs) Ah, good old Anthony. I have not the heart to tell him his sister was pushed over yesterday.

Anthony: Oh.

Interview: Good kid, good kid. (to Paranoia) You were saying?

Paranoia: Oh, right! The cubes! They call them Weighted Storage Cubes, but what do they store? Huh? Huh? Have they told you? They haven't told me, but I figured it out! There's only one thing I can think of... (cut off)

Interview: Well, that's all the time we have for this broadcast.

Paranoia: No, nono! I haven't warned the world! It's the turrets! The cubes...

Paranoia Core is taken away by the claw.

Interview: Oh, before we leave, it appears that our viewership has just doubled... to three! An early poll suggests that at least two of them are defectives like ourselves. So, see you again next time to The Underground, where we learn about Aperture's heights by interviewing its waste. And remember our motto, you can learn a lot about a man from what he throws away. Thanks for watching and good night. Play us out, Anthony.

Anthony: Oh, okay.

End credits.