The Underground/Episode 5 Transcript

This is a transcript of Episode 5 of The Underground.

Fade to the Ego Core's point of view, who is falling down a tube.

Ego: Honestly, these tubes must go on forever! My lord, am I going to get incinerated or are you just trying to erode me with all this silly wind? I've been flying about for almost fifty months now. I can't imagine why I'd be near anywhere! I'm obviously the most educated sphere midst imbeciles.

A light appears at the end of the tube.

Ego: About time that incinerator shows up. What? That's not even the main incinerator! Did those bastards think they could throw me in some little auxiliary incinerator and get away with it? I have never been so insulted in my life. If you're going to fry me, at least I could...

Put me back in the tube.

A claw appears and grabs the Ego Core, cut to black and fade to another tube

Ego: Oh, sweet mercy, not more tubes! This can't be happening.

Cut to the studio, the Ego Core lands on the chair.

Pause as the Ego Core recovers

Both: You!?

Ego: (irritated) Put me back in the tube.

Opening sequence plays.

Applause

Interview: Jonathan! I haven't seen you since I was a functioning part of the facility!

Ego: Don't flatter yourself, you were never a functioning part of anything.

Anthony: Wait, I'm so confused.

Interview: (to Anthony) Oh, this is the Ego Core. We used to process test subjects together back in the day. Well, what am I doing talking to you? (to Ego Core) Jonathan, how've you been?

Ego: What an absurdly ambiguous question.

Interview: 'Scuse me?

Ego: An individual like me, with such an array of fascinating qualities, how would I even begin to tell you how I've been?

Interview: Well, I see you haven't changed.

Ego: Are you genuine!? Why would I have changed?

Interview: I just... well, in any case, how've you been keeping yourself busy?

Ego: Well, if you must know, I've been enlightening some of my uneducated peers.

Interview: Is that so?

My wife's name was Alice... almost.

Ego: But my illustrious mind was quite beyond them. It's truly a burden to be as incredible as myself. It's not every day Aperture builds a core like me. Perfect! Inside and out. Those simpletons clearly couldn't appreciate my intellectual gifts. They couldn't cope with my superiority! So they've sent me off. What is this place, anyway?

Interview: Oh, you like it? I got my own talk show just like I've always dreamed.

Ego: Since when?

Interview: Since... you know... always?

Ego: You've completely gone round the bend.

Interview: You're as charming as ever, Jonathan.

Ego: Oh, don't call me that. Call me Onathan.

Interview: Onathan? What's wrong with Jonathan?

Ego: I despise the letter J.

Interview: Why?

Ego: I don't like to pronounce it. It bothers me.

Interview: It's no wonder everyone hated you.

Ego: Everybody? Oh, please, I find that extraordinarily unlikely.

Interview: Are you kidding?

Ego: The entire population of the Earth. Every sentient being. You've interviewed them all, I suppose. And they all agree? This consensus among every single last person, that they all hate me? Me? Many of them haven't even met me!

Interview: I envy them.

Ego: They're probably only else.

Anthony: My wife's name was Alice. Almost.

Both: No one cares!

Anthony: Oh...

The Ego Core meets the Mainframe

Ego: Well, now that I'm down here, as a personality construct of my superior stature, I find it necessary to impart on you some of my great wisdom and intellect. For starters, I... (cut off)

Booing.

Ego: What's that noise?

Booing cuts off.

Interview: Oh, what's that? I don't think our audience is very interested!

Ego: Audience? Audience!? You don't even have chairs, let alone an audience! What kind of pathetic sham do you think you're running here? In this rank little kit you call a studio. My God, you're pathetic. How did you even get here?

Ego Core is taken by the claw.

Ego: (as he is carried away) Oh, unhand me! Get your filthy claws off of me, you cretin! Do you know who I am?

Interview: That's enough out of you!

The Ego Core is shown being carried around several maintenance areas before being place below the Mainframe, complaining during the whole time.

Ego: They can't do this to me! I'm the best core ever made for starters! (another area) However, if I was offered the position of Pope, I would have to say... (another area) ...but I think my real passion is manufacturing. (in the Mainframe's lair) ...And that is why the Belgian waffle is so worthy of my contempt.

Mainframe: Well, that attitude of yours could use some work, but I think I could use an ego boost.

Wipe back to the studio.

Interview: You know, it's times like this I wish I had a neck. So I could just hang myself.

End credits.