User:Tark/Aperture Desk Job responses

Characters

Cave Johnson

• "Welcome to the Aperture Science Competence Center for our most gifted Employees. I'm Cave Johnson. And if you're hearing this, YOU are exceptional. No, don't be bashful, it's true. No false modesty." | Download | Play
• "Let's get started." | Download | Play
• "Look at all those tubes, stretching off in the distance. Every one of them's taking something important to a genius who's gonna use it to change the world forever. A genius just like you." | Download | Play
• "How are you gonna change the world? Well, that's up to you. History will remember what you do here today. Do not let us, and by 'us', I mean all of us, all of humanity... down." | Download | Play
• "So congratulations. You are about to take part in the greatest science adventure at the greatest applied sciences company on Earth. This is important work and you're just the genius to do it." | Download | Play
• "So congratulations. This is important work and you're just the genius to do it." | Download | Play
• "God gave you these gifts. I'm givin' you the opportunity to use them." | Download | Play
• "Well, here's your lab." | Download | Play
• "I don't mind telling you, we're excited up here. Moon-landing excited. Newton. Einstein. Now you." | Download | Play
• "Good luck, world's best scient--!" | Download | Play
• "You. In the overalls. Get to work or you're fired." | Download | Play
• "...zip zap zop, that is how you inspect a toilet. I hope you were paying attention because I'm not saying any of that twice. Look, it's not rocket science. It's not even toilet science. Here's everything you need to know: See that light on the wall?" | Download | Play
• "If that light goes on you're fired." | Download | Play
• "Hey there. It's me. Cave Johnson." | Download | Play
• "No, no. Not behind the giant head. I AM the giant head." | Download | Play
• "I'm gonna level with you. A few years back, I got real sick. Body riddled with disease. I was a goner." | Download | Play
• "Threw every dollar I had at it. Told those eggheads: 'Hey. Eggheads. Make me live forever.'" | Download | Play
• "Now. I know what you're thinking: 'You gave the smartest engineers on Earth a blank check to make you immortal... And THIS is what they came up with? A giant head?' [chuckles] Off by a mile. No." | Download | Play
• "They figured out how to put my consciousness in a computer. That's what's in the giant head." | Download | Play
• "Their first plan was to put me in a regular brain-sized computer. Then they'd put that in a robot body and hey presto." | Download | Play
• "Well, turns out you can't fit an entire human mind in a computer that small. All I could do was tell time and know what my name was." | Download | Play
• "So they kept making it bigger. Big enough to cram every last bit of me into this thing." | Download | Play
• "What happened to my robot body? Still under the head somewhere, all crushed up. Couldn't support the weight." | Download | Play
• "So: the lab boys put me in the big head, switched me on and- I don't know- I panicked. Killed a few of them. Said I'd kill more if they ever came back.Honestly, I regret that now." | Download | Play
• "Anyway, that was four years ago. Been trying to get somebody's attention ever since. Get their butts up here and end my suffering." | Download | Play
• "Anyway, that was four years ago. Been trying to get somebody's attention ever since." | Download | Play
• "Get their butts up here and end my suffering." | Download | Play
• "Now, don't worry about me, it's been a full life. But we're done here. I'm itchin' for the next step. Heck, I'm excited about it." | Download | Play
• "Don't even think of it as killing me. You're breaking me out of prison. I'm just data now. I need you to crack this big clay head open so I can spill out into the universe." | Download | Play
• "So. What do you two eggheads got?" | Download | Play
• "Good stuff. Let's see it." | Download | Play
• "Hey, hey, hey! I can't talk over the sound of you shooting me. Do you want me to tell you why I'm a giant head or not?" | Download | Play
• "Right. Where was I?" | Download | Play
• "...giant head..." | Download | Play
• "...riddled with disease..." | Download | Play
• "...eggheads..." | Download | Play
• "...immortality..." | Download | Play
• "...started with the small head..." | Download | Play
• "...it got bigger..." | Download | Play
• "Ah. Now I remember." | Download | Play
• "Actually, that's about it. So. Got any ideas?" | Download | Play
• "Fine fine fine, I'm trapped in a head, I'm sad, you're fired, the end. If you're not gonna help, get out of my office - wait. What is THAT thing?" | Download | Play
• "Huh. Fine, you're provisionally unfired. Let's see it." | Download | Play
• "Well? I'm waiting." | Download | Play
• "You showing me something or what?" | Download | Play
• "Is it your tough looking sidekick with the neck tattoo and prison muscles?" | Download | Play
• "I am standing here waiting to be impressed. Sitting here. Resting in this area. Tilted on my side." | Download | Play
• "So is that it? It just stands there. Like a... whatayacallit, in fountains and the like. Statue." | Download | Play
• "Well if your invention is you standing there, that's already been invented." | Download | Play
• "Is your invention that toilet? If your invention is that toilet, this demonstration is over." | Download | Play
• "Whoa! That'll work!" | Download | Play
• "Ha ha!" | Download | Play
• "Keep it up!" | Download | Play
• "And the two of you invented this? I love this thing." | Download | Play
• "I'll be honest: I thought you were two lunatics who'd dragged a toilet up here. But you're geniuses!" | Download | Play
• "Keep going!" | Download | Play
• "Is it working? It FEELS like it is working." | Download | Play
• "How does it look? I can't see my own head." | Download | Play
• "Is it working? I'm in the head, I can't see." | Download | Play
• "Son, this thing's made of clay. It's all weak spot." | Download | Play
• "Really? How big? Doesn't matter! Keep shooting!" | Download | Play
• "What?" | Download | Play
• "So shoot the metal." | Download | Play
• "Is it working? I think it's working!" | Download | Play
• "It's not working, is it?" | Download | Play
• "It doesn't feel like it's working, but you're the eggheads." | Download | Play
• "Uhp. Here we go. Powerin' down. The Great Beyond." | Download | Play
• "I'll give you two credit. That is one hell of an invention." | Download | Play
• "You did it. You figured out how to end my suffering." | Download | Play
• "Alright. Suffering ended in three... two... ahhhhh." | Download | Play
• "You're both fired." | Download | Play
• "I'm gonna need your key cards. Just lay 'em down in front of the head. Not too close to the chin or I won't be able to see 'em." | Download | Play
• "Uh oh" | Download | Play
• "Keep shooting!" | Download | Play
• "What's going on over there?" | Download | Play
• "What's going on, you two?" | Download | Play
• "Hey! What is happening right now?" | Download | Play
• "I am this close to cancelling your provisional unfiring." | Download | Play
• "Ha ha!" | Download | Play

Grady

• "-" | Download | Play
• "Wait a minute, that's... that's not right..." | Download | Play
• "Oh oh, the turret broke. That was the only one, too." | Download | Play
• "But don't even worry about it, because here's what I've actually been working on." | Download | Play
• "Tadah! Introducing the Mark Two." | Download | Play
• "This is what I spent most of the six months on. It was one month for the first turret, and then like five for this bad boy." | Download | Play
• "Oh man. You got to take my picture with this. The desk should have a camera built into it." | Download | Play
• "Are you taking the picture?"" | Download | Play
• "I'm posing for it right now, this is my posing face, not my regular face." | Download | Play
• "I wasn't sure if you thought I stopped and this was what I just looked like regular." | Download | Play
• "Are you taking the picture? Are you taking the picture?" | Download | Play
• "OK, good. Moment recorded. For all the history books." | Download | Play
• "Now for the fun part: you're gonna take it for a spin." | Download | Play
• "Here, let me turn it around." | Download | Play
• "OK, normally I'd walk you through everything, but I think you get it. Let's just open everything at once and see what happens." | Download | Play
• "Ok, go crazy. All those controls do something." | Download | Play
• "Oh, also some of the crates you're shooting might explode. Don't worry about that." | Download | Play
• "Seriously, go on. You're not gonna break it. I mean, I hope you don't break it, that's the only one." | Download | Play
• "Everything you can see on it shoots something. If it doesn't there's something wrong with it. Even the radar dish shoots, I think." | Download | Play
• "Wow! Right?" | Download | Play
• "Oh, this is great. This thing shoots so good." | Download | Play
• "OK, a part fell off. Keep going, though." | Download | Play
• "Alright, something else fell off. You can still shoot everything else, don't even worry about it." | Download | Play
• "OK, quite a bit's falling off." | Download | Play
• "Keep shooting! You're not doing this, this is a structural engineering problem, it's on me. You're doing great." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "I bet it's the glue. I'm 99% convinced of that now, it even looked cheap when I bought it." | Download | Play
• "I remember looking at it like, 'Awwww, spend the extra dollar,' and -- yep. Here we are." | Download | Play
• "It's the buttons that just opened up on the desk. Seriously, this is the best part." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Wow! That -- so some of the stuff I put on there just didn't work. Most of it, like 90% or even higher maybe... but! Some of it worked GREAT! So all we have to do is keep the great stuff and then we can--" | Download | Play
• "So... OK, that's the police." | Download | Play
• "o. One of us... needs to streamline this turret, right? And one of us... needs to take the fall for shooting up the warehouse." | Download | Play
• "Because they're -- this is a lot of damage, they're gonna look into this." | Download | Play
• "Which job -- which job do you want? How about I fix the turret, and you take -- yeah, I'll do that part." | Download | Play
• "Remember, if anyone asks, you don't know me! OK? Don't say anything!" | Download | Play
• "Hey. I mean... Wow!...You are the best. Thanks for keeping your mouth shut and doing your time." | Download | Play
• "I mean, it was way more time than either of us were expecting. I don't know what was in those boxes we blew up. But they were -- wow, were they mad." | Download | Play
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• "Uh oh." | Download | Play
• "I think I put the wrong tape in. Hold on..." | Download | Play
• "OK, Here we go." | Download | Play
• "They don't give out overalls anymore." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "My name's Grady, you can call me that. I mean, let's do introductions later, you should really already be... honestly I'm surprised you're not fired already." | Download | Play
• "Anyway, just remember: the important thing is to have fun. On your own time, before you come in. Otherwise it's just... it's real bad here... It's fine. You'll probably be fine." | Download | Play
• "Anyway, you are a... 'Product Inspector.' That is your inspection desk there in front of you. You'll be inspecting... uh. Okay. Doesn't say. Anyway, something is gonna come down the conveyor belt. Whatever it is, make sure it works. Once you've done that... keep doing... that. That's the whole job." | Download | Play
• "Dadgumit. I left the volume down. Hold on." | Download | Play
• "[exhales] OK. Good. You heard the important part." | Download | Play
• "Wait wait. Hold on." | Download | Play
• "Have they ALL been smoking?" | Download | Play
• "You know what? It's not our job to test if the toilet's on fire, right? Just do your regular thing like normal, move it down the line, and then it's somebody else's problem." | Download | Play
• "Is the fired light -- it's not on, is it? I don't even want to look." | Download | Play
• "OK, good. You're not fired." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "I don't wanna have to fire you, But it's my job, you know?" | Download | Play
• "I mean... alright, it's the light's job. But it's MY job to do what the light says, alright? I don't get a vote." | Download | Play
• "You think your job's bad? I mean... Your job is bad. It's the worst job at the company, way worse than mine. I shouldn't have made it sound like we were competing." | Download | Play
• "Do you have a wife? Or a husband? Are they nice?" | Download | Play
• "Can I come visit some time? That'd be cool." | Download | Play
• "I don't know if you have management rails at your place, I need those to get around." | Download | Play
• "Oh, wait. I guess we'd need to build a management rail to your house too. Wow, that's a lot. Probably easier to bring whoever it is you're married to here. I mean, assuming you're married." | Download | Play
• "Good, that works. Keep going, let's get it out of here." | Download | Play
• "Yeah, keep going, keep going." | Download | Play
• "Let's just get it out of here." | Download | Play
• "You are doing great. Keep going." | Download | Play
• "Perfect, perfect perfect. Keep going, keep going." | Download | Play
• "It flushes, let's keep it rolling!" | Download | Play
• "Great. Keep going!" | Download | Play
• "You're doing real good. Keep going." | Download | Play
• "Are you doing that? Hold on, let me take a look." | Download | Play
• "Do you hear that? Hold on, let me take a look." | Download | Play
• "Yeah, keep testing it. I think there's a jam in here." | Download | Play
• "Keep testing it." | Download | Play
• "Hey, could you test it again? I'm gonna watch and see what happens." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Whup!" | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Can you get me out of here, please? Thank you." | Download | Play
• "Can you get me out of here please?" | Download | Play
• "Are you pressing something? Try pressing something." | Download | Play
• "Just try... just try it. Just press something." | Download | Play
• "For the record, I'm not claustrophobic, I just don't want to be in here. I think that's completely reasonable." | Download | Play
• "Also, keep an eye on that fired light. If it goes on I need to know." | Download | Play
• "Nope. I'm just wet now." | Download | Play
• "So. I am made of metal. I mean, this is like you're just spraying me with acid." | Download | Play
• "I know you probably don't realize this? But... you just keep spraying me with this water." | Download | Play
• "I think that's... all that button does is open and close the lid." | Download | Play
• "Because the lid keeps hitting me in the back of the head. That's how I know what that button does. And also why I'm pointing it out." | Download | Play
• "Yeah. I mean, this is what that button does. It's not gonna start doing something else." | Download | Play
• "Are you... What is your plan? Is your plan to just push me out the other end? Because I don't... it's not working." | Download | Play
• "OK OK, I get it, it is funny, it's hilarious. But it's also crushing me to death." | Download | Play
• "No. No, that's just pushing me deeper in." | Download | Play
• "Please stop, please stop stop stop stop please stop..." | Download | Play
• "I'm gonna be... just stop it. No, I'm gonna be real sick." | Download | Play
• "I'm gonna be so sick, dude. Just stop it. Stop it." | Download | Play
• "Ow." | Download | Play
• "Ow." | Download | Play
• "Nope." | Download | Play
• "Nope." | Download | Play
• "Nope." | Download | Play
• "Not that button." | Download | Play
• "Not that one." | Download | Play
• "Alright, yeah, that's not working." | Download | Play
• "Definitely not that one. Just another button." | Download | Play
• "I mean.. you know what you're doing, but I just... don't think that's the right button." | Download | Play
• "You keep pressing that one button. I don't think that's the right button." | Download | Play
• "That's it! That's it! Hold the button down!" | Download | Play
• "Hold that button down, that was it!" | Download | Play
• "It's working! Keep pressing the button!" | Download | Play
• "It's working!" | Download | Play
• "It's working! Keep doing that!" | Download | Play
• "Yes! That! Keep doing that!" | Download | Play
• "Aaah!" | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "I got an idea: Test it and get it out of here!" | Download | Play
• "Whoa!" | Download | Play
• "So... first off: I think we are in a lot of trouble here. Now: I also think we're going to be rich, because I think you just invented something!" | Download | Play
• "OK. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go work on this. In secret. Just... You go back and pretend to go back to work. Right? Like, it's gotta look good. I mean, just pretend the most you've ever... You know what, just go back to work actually. Yeah that works." | Download | Play
• "I'll be back!" | Download | Play
• "Anyway, you are a... 'Product Inspector.'" | Download | Play
• "That is your inspection desk there in front of you. You'll be inspecting... uh. Okay. Doesn't say. Anyway, something is gonna come down the conveyor belt. Whatever it is, make sure it works. Once you've done that... keep doing... that. That's the whole job." | Download | Play
• "Good luck!" | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Hey... I'm back! Yeah! I'm back! Uh, first off: You did awesome pretending to calibrate all those toilets. The best." | Download | Play
• "Alright, are you ready for this? Pressssssenting..." | Download | Play
• "Presennnnnnting... pressthebutton..." | Download | Play
• "Presennnnnnting... pressthebutton,pressthebutton..." | Download | Play
• "Pressthebutton... pressthebutton... you're not pressing the button..." | Download | Play
• "You're not pressing the button, press the button... I mean, this is good, it's so good, but..." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
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• "...presenting the Aperture Science Turret!" | Download | Play
• "Go on! Take it for a spin!" | Download | Play
• "The controls are right there on your desk." | Download | Play
• "I mean, right... the controls are right there." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Go ahead and just... yeah, there you go... Just ease into it. No pressure." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "It's the buttons that just opened up on the desk. Seriously, this is the best part." | Download | Play
• "-" | Download | Play
• "Aw, you gotta have the wings open, or it just shoots all its insides out. You know, I should have made that more clear. It's fine. It's fine." | Download | Play
• "Shooting! You know what though? I mean, you're definitely gonna kill yourself with it pointed at you like that, so let me turn it around." | Download | Play
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• "Shoot again, don't worry, it's safe. This time. This time it's safe, last time it wasn't, you almost died." | Download | Play
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Announcer / Prison Warden

Prison Warden

"Inmate's name is now preserved for the permanent record as:" | Download | Play "Given that the offender has faithfully observed the rules of the institution, offender has been granted supervised, early release." | Download | Play "Please sign for your possessions. Inmate's possessions are as follows: Desk. One." | Download | Play "Inmate must state their name, print their name, then sign their name." | Download | Play "[sighing] Moving on. Now type your name." | Download | Play "Type your name." | Download | Play "Type your name into the desk." | Download | Play "Sign your name." | Download | Play "Sign your name." | Download | Play "Inmate must sign their name." | Download | Play "As a condition of supervised early release, parolee and desk agree to report within 15 [muffled] days to their parole officer." | Download | Play "Parolee and desk must maintain employment at our residence." | Download | Play "Parolee and desk must avoid criminal activity." | Download | Play "Parolee and desk must refrain from destroying warehouses, labratories, or other Aparture-owned or operated facilities." | Download | Play "Parolee and desk must not leave the premises of Aperture without permission from their parole officer." | Download | Play "Desk must participate in community restitution work." | Download | Play "Failure to follow these conditions of parole will result in reincarceration." | Download | Play "'It is never too late to mend.' You are both free to go." | Download | Play "Moving on. Now sign your name." | Download | Play "Conditions of parole are as follows." | Download | Play "After the tone, state your name into the desk." | Download | Play "State your name after the tone." | Download | Play "Say your name after the tone." | Download | Play "After the tone, say your name. Out loud." | Download | Play "After the tone, say your name, with your voice, into the desk." | Download | Play "Parolee has waived their right to state their name. This has been noted in their record. Moving on. Now: Type your name." | Download | Play "Offender must sign name on the same desk used to state name and print name." | Download | Play "Inmate must print their name, then sign their name." | Download | Play

Desk Launch Control

Desk Launch Control

"Automatic desk launch sequencer engaged." | Download | Play "We are go for launch in:" | Download | Play "Ten..." | Download | Play "Nine..." | Download | Play "Eight..." | Download | Play "Seven..." | Download | Play "Modesty panel set to flight configuration." | Download | Play "Six..." | Download | Play "Five..." | Download | Play "Four..." | Download | Play "Three..." | Download | Play "Two..." | Download | Play "One..." | Download | Play "Ignition." | Download | Play "We have liftoff." | Download | Play "Desk Operator, this is Desk Launch Control wishing you good luck." | Download | Play After killing Cave "Backup power activated." | Download | Play Unused lines "Desk Operator, this is Desk Launch Control" | Download | Play "This is Desk Launch Control wishing you good luck up there." | Download | Play "Solid rocket booster is go." | Download | Play "Zero..." | Download | Play