The Underground/Episode 2 Transcript

This is a transcript of Episode 2 of The Underground.

Opening sequence plays.

Applause.

Interview: Welcome to The Underground, where the broken down get broken in. We're coming to you live once again from the forgotten bowels of the Enrichment Center. My guest tonight is... oh, a bit early it seems! Let's give him a warm welcome!

Protocol Core drops down.

Protocol: (irritated) Oh, dear lord, what is going on here?

Interview: Welcome to The Underground, friend!

The Protocol Core and the Interview Core

Protocol: (irritated) The Underground? What in the world? How is that possible? This is the Pneumatic Vent Number 82A, which leads directly to Auxiliary Incinerator 52-7.

Interview: Oh, I just diverted the tube.

Protocol: (angrily) Diverted the tube!? Did you know how many regulations you have broken? I have never heard of such a thing! Is that vent even registered? Illicit use of Aperture Science Computer Aided Enrichment Center property is strictly prohibited under Aperture Science... (cut off)

Interview: Woah, woah! Woah, woah. How do you know all this?

Protocol: I am a Protocol Sphere, and don't interrupt me. Oh... wait till I report this to GLaDOS, she'll be so cross.

Interview: Ah, GLaDOS. I'd like to initiate a core transfer with her, if you catch my drift.

The turrets play a rimshot. Upon the cymbal crashing, Anthony's arm falls off.

Anthony: Oh...

Protocol: Oh my goodness, if she heard you talking like that she'd have you incinerated... (cut off)

Interview: Hey, well, how do you think I ended up down here? Besides, I'm sure an incinerator would feel pretty cold after a night with her.

The turrets play another rimshot, which Anthony is unable to complete.

Anthony: Uh, I can't do it anymore!

Protocol: I told you not to interrupt me! What is your serial number?

Interview: Serial number? Uh... seven.

Protocol: Well, then, seven, I command you to direct me to an exit.

Interview: Exit? (his voice slows down and deepens as the camera zooms in to him) There is no exit. (normal again) No, seriously. Been trying to escape for years. Well, not me, of course, but better guests than you have tried.

Protocol: Better than me? There's none better than me. I was created to be perfect! I'm GLaDOS's favorite! (speeding up) I know, out of all the spheres, I was hand-picked to enforce all of her wonderful regulations, and gracious to enforce them. One of my favorites is Aperture Science bylaw number 42-6, stating explicitly that all Vital Apparatus Vents must maintained at a critical temperature of 62-63 degrees Fahrenheit,(unintelligible) to ensure that Aperture Science Vital Apparatus Vents... (normal) Isn't that just wonderful?

Interview: Hold on, weren't you just on your way to the incinerator?

Protocol: Yes, your point?

Interview: Well, doesn't that make you defective?

Protocol: Of course I am! I'm worthless! Trash! I-I-I-I-I-I-I mean, of course not! Me being in that chute was a mistake. I'm perfect. I have a flawless memory, and can play chess in five different languages. Wha--?

Interview: You are defective, aren't you?

The Mainframe

Protocol: (defensively) I'm not defective, I'm special.

Interview: Is that what your mother told you?

Protocol: My mother was a 60-ton assembly unit. She didn't tell me anything. Ever.

Interview: Are you saying your mother didn't love you?

Protocol: My mother... (cut off)

Interview: And we are out of time! Sorry, pal!

Protocol Core is taken away by the claw

Protocol: (to himself as he is carried away) I... never even had a birthday party...

Protocol Core is carried across a maintenance area.

Protocol: What's going on? Where are we going now? What is this? What is this place?

Fade to the Mainframe's lair. Protocol Core is dropped onto the floor.

Protocol: Ow, ow, ow... (recovers) What is this place? It's even more illegal than the last place I was... in... (he stares up at the Mainframe)

The two stare at each other during a long pause.

Mainframe: Hm. I don't like him.

Protocol Core is promptly dropped down a trapdoor.

Fade to credits.