Cave Johnson voice lines

This is a complete list of Cave Johnson's voice lines from Portal 2.

50's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_elevator_out_a01.wav|"They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete09.wav|"Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete03.wav|"Not you, test subject, you're doing fine."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete08.wav|"Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro01.wav|"If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro03.wav|"I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro06.wav|"THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fourth_test_complete01.wav|"I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fourth_test_complete02.wav|"Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_into_middle_of_test01.wav|"Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_into_middle_of_test02.wav|"Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro01.wav|"Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro03.wav|"Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro04.wav|"I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro06.wav|"That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro07.wav|"She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro02.wav|"Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro05.wav|"As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro07.wav|"We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll always be a limo waiting for you."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro08.wav|"Say goodbye, Caroline."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro09.wav|"She is a gem."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_repulsion_intro02.wav|"Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.'"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_repulsion_intro03.wav|"You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_intro01.wav|"The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: Make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_complete03.wav|"Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_complete02.wav|"We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting01.wav|"There's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them, so these pre-recorded messages'll cover any questions you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting03.wav|"Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting05.wav|"Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting07.wav|"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting08.wav|"Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: Fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."]]

70's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro02.wav|"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?'"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro04.wav|"Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro06.wav|"You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro07.wav|"For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro14.wav|"So. Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro15.wav|"Anyway, don't smudge up the glass down there. In fact, why don't you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro16.wav|"Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science - you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt--"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_outro01.wav|"Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people  - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_outro02.wav|"If you had any belongings, please pick them up now. We don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_intro01.wav|"The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_intro02.wav|"Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_complete05.wav|"This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_complete06.wav|"Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna [tape cuts out]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete01.wav|"If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete03.wav|"In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: All you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete04.wav|"So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us."]]

80's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro01.wav|"Welcome to the enrichment center. [cough]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro03.wav|"Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro04.wav|"[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro06.wav|"First up, conversion gel. [cough]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro07.wav|"The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro08.wav|"And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro10.wav|"Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro12.wav|"That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro02.wav|"The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro05.wav|"Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro06.wav|"Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro07.wav|"Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro08.wav|"Allright, test's over. You can head on back to your desk."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro09.wav|"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro11.wav|"Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! [cough]"]]

Between test chambers

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson cave_laugh04.wav|"[laugh]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests02.wav|"For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests03.wav|"Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests07.wav|"Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests08.wav|"All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests10.wav|"Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests26.wav|"Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast."]] Note: the game files say "Control Group Seven-Dee" instead.

Intercom messages at the VITRIFIED doors

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests01.wav|"The average human male is about sixty percent water. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines, and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests06.wav|"If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests14.wav|"If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know, because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week, though, start worrying and come see us, because that's not supposed to happen."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests24.wav|"Just a heads up: We're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests25.wav|"If you're allergic to peanuts, you might want to tell somebody now, because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests28.wav|"All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it."]]

Deleted and Extended lines
Note: lines in bold were used in-game.

50's

 * Now, the lab boys were adamant that I do not give you any hints on these tests. To be honest, they think I'm spoiling the results just by talking to you. Hizenstein Uncertainty Principles and so forth. I’ll give ‘em something more practical to be uncertain about. Their next paycheck. Anyway, overruled. If you think I'm affecting your decisions, in any way, don’t be afraid to speak up. I’m not made of glass. That reminds me: Caroline, Do we have a wing made out of glass yet? Let's get on that, Caroline.
 * Cave Johnson again. Just a heads-up: this next test’s dangerous. So if you get hurt, there’s a first aid station close by. Oh! Unless you’re participating in the double blind emergency treatment experiment. Then it’s just placebo first aid. Hold on, lemme check what test this is for… [pages flipping] Uh huh. Uh huh. No sir. I wouldn’t bother with it. What?
 * Caroline, do you think anyone’s gonna make it this far? Should I even bother making a message? What? Yes, I know how to turn it off. No, I don't want to turn it off... Alright, I feel like turning it off now.
 * If you’re hearing this, it means you’re taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. Well, as a wise man once said, “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones.” Besides, to borrow from the voodoo sham known as “psychiatry,” it sounds to me like these eggheads are partaking in what they’d call “projection.” I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who never did anything more brave than boil some manganese - whatever the hell that accomplishes - that sounds like what they'd call "projection.” THEY didn’t fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let’s solve this thing! Alright. Too much jawing, not enough testing. Let’s get some science done.
 * I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who never did anything more brave than read a big book – except for Greg who fought a bear once, but he’s not the point here – that sounds like what they'd call "projection”.
 * Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired. Not you, son ("test subject" in-game), you're doing fine. Yes, you. Fired. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye. Caroline, follow him out. Make sure he doesn’t cry all over the carpet.
 * Congratulations! You made it through. The simple fact that you’re standing here listening to me means you’ve made a glorious contribution to science. You’re a national hero. We're going to take your picture, so stand there and smile. Unless you were part of the Plaque Removing Deuterium Fluoride Laser test, in which case you might want to do us all a favor and keep your mouth closed until the bleeding stops. And don't worry: If you're one of our DNA test subjects, and you've got a hand for a face or whatnot, we’ll photograph you from the neck down. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests. We’re planning some wonderful stuff with time travel. So if you never liked your father, why not come on back and try being him? We’re not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it’s good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there’ll always be a limo waiting for you. Say goodbye, Caroline. She is a gem.

70's

 * For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don’t go spending it all on… Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt? We’ve made some great advances since introducing our repulsion gel in the fifties, but you already know that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or something. Did we find any of these test subjects living under rocks? Perfect. So anyway. Welcome to Aperture. You’re here because we want the best, and… Caroline, really? This is it? And unfortunately, I guess you’re it.
 * So anyway. Welcome to Aperture. You’re here because we want the best test subjects sixty dollars can buy, and you’re apparently it.
 * Please help yourselves to the art on the wall. An eyeful. Don’t take it. Don’t take anything. It’s all nailed down. In fact, I take that back. Just get moving. Caroline, is the art nailed to the walls? Nevermind. Put more nails in it. Don’t get one of the lab boys to do it either. I want you to do it so it gets done right.
 * I know I said you could loiter for up to twenty minutes. That was a possibility, not a suggestion. You can move along any time. And for god’s sake, don’t touch the upholstery.
 * Well? Get moving. That sixty dollars isn’t hiding in here; it’s waiting for you at the other end of the enrichment sphere.
 * Wait, I know--
 * So, you might be wondering: why you? Simply: Human test subjects get better scientific results than animals. Why? For one, your tramps, lunatics, foundlings, what-have-you, can bring problem-solving ability to test environments with a facility that shames lower ruminants. For another, you have thumbs.
 * Great job, astronaut, war hero and/or Olympian! With your help, we’re gonna change the world! This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing up ahead’s called an elevator. Not a bathroom. [sigh] Caroline, has it really come to this? Damn it, you’re right. Damn good science, too. We’re not out of this race yet, Caroline.
 * In case you're interested, there're still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here. We know how to put a man back together. We'll take out any diseases we find in there, too, and replace all the organs that aren't tip top. So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us. Anyway, volunteers should line up outside Enrichment Sphere Archimedes Bravo.
 * Thank you – [off mic] I can’t believe I’m thanking these people [on mic] – for staggering your way through Aperture Science’s propulsion gel testing. You’ve made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful. If you had any belongings, please pick them up now. We don’t want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building. Once you’ve gathered your things, grab a compensation voucher, good for 60 dollars worth of stuff from the Aperture Science gift shop. Please only touch items you plan on purchasing. Thanks to the IRS and our patent-stealing competitors, there are parking meters in Duluth that earn more money than we do lately. So there’s no room in the budget to wash coffee mugs that you pick up and then decide not to buy. Caroline, put some extra security in the gift shop to make sure no one decides to take a nap in the t-shirt displays.

80's

 * The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought ‘em anyway. Engineers said the moon rocks were too volatile to experiment on. Tested on ‘em anyway. Ground ‘em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out they’re a great portal conductor.
 * When you’re making some great science, it helps to keep a positive attitude. Look at Marie Curie. Invented radiology. Won two Nobel prizes. Dumb as a bag of hammers. Thought the light radiation gave off was pretty, walked around with it in bottles. Buried her with a smile on her face.
 * Let me tell you about a fella. Lived thousands of years ago. Only wanted folks to be a little nicer to each other. And in the end, he sacrificed himself to save us all. You know who I’m talking about: Hercules.
 * [snore] Hercules…
 * The point is: if we can store music on a compact disc, why can’t we store a man’s intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. But I guess it’s too late for should haves and what ifs. I will say this - and I’m gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: if I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. (Now) she’ll argue. She’ll say she can’t. She’s modest like that. But you make her. Treat her just like you’d treat me. Hell, put her in my computer. I don’t care. Just make sure she’s taken care of. Allright, test’s over. You can head on back to your desk.

Miscellaneous tests

 * Once upon a time there was a scorpion and a frog. The scorpion tells the frog “When I say ‘jump’ I don’t want to hear ‘how high?’ That means you’re not jumping!” Then the frog says “It’s my nature!” Well, be that as it may, we have a lot of tests to do and you are taking a long time on these catwalks and, yes, I broke out of the parable somewhere back there. But the point stands that you need to put some muscle back into your hustle, son.
 * You might have noticed some safety warnings on the walls. Ignore ‘em. I keep telling the Bean Counters danger’s just a natural part of science, but boy they don’t want to hear it. Like telling a paradox to a robot – makes their heads explode.
 * That last test may have made your skeleton magnetic. I don’t know how. But if I were you, I wouldn’t stand next to any sheet metal.
 * Just a quick heads-up. If you suddenly find yourself able to excrete spider silk out of your fingers or the base of your spine, let one of the test associates know, cause that’s actually important.
 * The gel in this next test is probably going to make all of your skin solar-powered. Upside is, you’re not gonna get hungry. Ever. So if you were worried about your waistline, get this: You won’t be able to eat food even if you wanted to.
 * This next test involves molecular dynamics. You’re gonna breathe in a bunch of tiny little robots, and they’re gonna optimize your DNA strands. Exciting stuff. Maybe nothing’ll happen. Or maybe you’ll have a big crab hand by the end of the test, or ten foot legs. It’s up to them. Trust me, I’m as anxious as you are to see how this plays out.
 * The gel in this next test’s gonna recalibrate your molecular whatsamacallits, blah blah blah. Bottom line is, you won’t need to go to the bathroom anymore. Your body’s just gonna process it up like anything else. Side effect might be that everything you eat from now on tastes like urine, though.
 * If you’re not a fan of the cartilage in your body, you are gonna love what this next test might do for you. Honestly, cartilage is like adenoids, or a second kidney. Body doesn’t want it, you don’t need it. Good riddance.
 * Ever wondered what a parallel universe you might be like? Well, stop wondering, because you’re just Hitler. Every parallel universe ever. You. Hitler. We can’t figure it out. Anyway, if you meet him in the next test, don’t kill him. I know, I know. But trust me, it’d be bad.
 * We’re gonna try and collapse three-dimensional space in this next test. We’re not gonna tell you when. Just give us a holler if everything starts looking flat.
 * While you’re completing this next test, we’re gonna test out a new device and see if we can read your thoughts. Don’t let it throw you. Just give us a nod if we’re getting close. You’re thinking about tungsten. Tungsten or zinc. Give us a wave if we nailed it. You’re thinking about the electrolytic production of hydrogen. How close is that? You’re thinking about the color green. Greenish blue. You might be wondering how I’m guessing what you’re thinking through a pre-recorded message. The answer: volume. I recorded a message for every word in the English language. Also: you are thinking about bib lettuce. Tell me I’m wrong. You’re still thinking about tungsten. I don’t blame you. It’s fascinating. Hey, Caroline. I think he’s thinking about you! Photosynthesis. That or fudge. The bacteria inside fudge. Nod your head if I’m getting close.
 * We’re gonna bombard you with a few rays in this next test. Nothing to be concerned about. We’re looking for bacterial contamination and inflammatory disease in your bowels. We put enough pathogens in the waiting room coffee to give diarrhea to an aircraft carrier, so if we don’t spot ‘em, I don’t know what to tell you.
 * This next test might sunburn your eyes a little. Ask a test associate for some sunscreen you can put on your retinas if you think your eyes aren’t man enough to handle it.
 * Bonus test within a test in this next test: we hid a photon somewhere in here. You find it, it’s twenty grand in your pocket. You can keep the photon, too.
 * The human body contains trace amounts of a whole hell of a lot of elements it doesn’t even seem to need. Copper, lead, silicon, cobalt, magnesium, carbon, oxygen. This next test, we’re gonna hit you with some microwaves and boil the worthless elements right out of you. Current hypothesis is it’s not even gonna break your stride. Honestly, what the hell has cobalt ever done for you? Good riddance.
 * With your help, we might eradicate heart and lung disease with this next test. Full disclosure: we’re going to achieve that by trying as hard as we can to make your heart and lungs stop working, then pump you full of some medicine we’ve been working on. Footnote to the disclosure: You’re incredibly brave and we’re proud of you.
 * Alright, this next test, I had to fight really hard for. None of the eggheads thought it was safe enough. I keep telling ‘em danger’s the best part of science, but they don’t want to hear it. It’s like telling a paradox to a robot: Makes their heads explode.
 * Alright, this next test, I had to fight really hard for. None of the eggheads thought it was safe enough. Did you? Ha. Caroline, watch this. You, stand next to him. You with the big head, over there. That’s right, all in a line against the wall. Okay, here we go. You’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired.
 * Don’t eyeball me, son. Don’t snow me. I know an eyeball when I see one. It’s not good, wholesome eye-looking and I won’t stand for it. Eyeballs shouldn’t judge. They just send the information up for the brain to deal with. That’s the job. Get your eyes fixed, son. Caroline. Make appointments with all my engineers for eye surgery. Sign me up for it, too. From now on, everybody’s doing their eye-looking properly.
 * For this next test, we’ll be firing a few isotopes at your eyes to improve your night vision. If you feel a throbbing behind your eyes, that’s normal and should subside within a few hours. If you feel a pecking behind your eyes, that means a small bird got in there. We don’t know how it happens, but we’re working on it.
 * How do you feel about your feet? Like ‘em? Good, because if this next test works, you’ll have five of ‘em.
 * For this next test, you’ll be helping us solve the problem of male pattern baldness. If it works, you’re gonna start growing lush, new hair instantly. Downside: teeth hair.
 * You want to keep stealing my patents? Fine! This is war. Science war. The sweet science. You will cry into your evil black satin pillows about the day you messed with Cave Johnson! You hear me? I invented portals! I can put a doorway on the moon and another into your parking lot! Let’s see how many patents you steal when you’re floating around in outer space, you— What? Right. I know. Felt like having it on. How can… you tell? Fantastic. Good business. And if I wanted to turn it off— Good, good. Glad it was on. On purpose. And if I wanted to turn it off— Bam. Right. Good stuff, I like it. Let’s keep the switch. That’ll be all, Caroline. [click]
 * Caroline, hold my calls. I need to go see a man about a mule. What was that? Alright. Good. Mule. Gonna go see him in the bathroom. Back in ten.