Cave Johnson voice lines

This is a complete list of Cave Johnson's voice lines from Portal 2.

50's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_elevator_out_a01.wav|"They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch, no hand holding."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete03.wav|"Not you test subject, you're doing fine."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete08.wav|"Yes, you. Box your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_complete09.wav|"Science isn't about why, it's about why not! Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired!"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro01.wav|"If you're hearing this it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro03.wav|"I'm no psychiatrist but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fifth_test_intro06.wav|"They didn't fly into space, storm a beach or bring back the gold. No sir, we did. It's you and me against the world son, I like your grit. Hustle could use some work though. Now let's solve this thing!"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fourth_test_complete01.wav|"I'm telling them, keep ya pants on."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_fourth_test_complete02.wav|"Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice, if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that will wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favour and just let that handsome devil go about his business."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_into_middle_of_test01.wav|"Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_into_middle_of_test02.wav|"Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway, ramps are expensive."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro01.wav|"Welcome gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians. You're here because we want the best, and you are it. So who's ready to make some science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro03.wav|"Haha, now you already met one another on the limo ride over so let me introduce myself."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro04.wav|"I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro06.wav|"That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right Caroline?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_intro07.wav|"She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard too. Sorry fellas, she's married...to science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro02.wav|"Congratulations! The simple fact you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro05.wav|"As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro07.wav|"We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as along as you keep yourself in top physical form there will always be a limo waiting for you."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro08.wav|"Say goodbye Caroline."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_outro09.wav|"She is a gem."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_repulsion_intro02.wav|"Alright let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call Repulsion Gel."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_repulsion_intro03.wav|"You're not part of the control group by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint [Laughs] All joking aside that did happen. Broke every bone in his legs. Tragic, but informative. Or so I'm told."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_complete02.wav|"We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell ya this. It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_complete03.wav|"Oh in case you got covered by that Repulsion Gel here's some advice the lab boys gave me [Rustles paper] Do not get covered in the Repulsion gel."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_second_test_intro01.wav|"The lab boys just informed me that I should NOT have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea. Make more pre-recorded messages! I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting01.wav|"There's a thousand tests performed everyday here in our Enrichment spheres. I can't personally oversee every one of them so these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you might have, and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting03.wav|"Your test assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting05.wav|"Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting07.wav|"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with Praying Mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson fifties_waiting08.wav|"Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you. Fighting an army of Mantis-men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."]]

70's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro02.wav|"Right. Now you may be asking yourself 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phonebook of a contract I signed. Am I in danger?'"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro04.wav|"Let me answer those questions with a question, who wants to make sixty dollars?! Cash."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro06.wav|"You can also feel free to relax for upto twenty minutes in the waiting room. Which is a damn sight more comfortable then the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro07.wav|"For many of you I realize sixty dollars is an unprecedented windfall so don't go spending it all on, I dunno, Caroline what do these people buy? Tattered hats, beard dirt."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro14.wav|"So, welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope, couldn't keep a straight face."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro15.wav|"Anyway don't smudge up the glass down there. In fact why don't you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_intro16.wav|"Greetings friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts, and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented, but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt..."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_outro01.wav|"Thank you! [Under his breath] I can't believe I'm thanking these people. For staggering your way through Aperture Science's Propulsion Gel testing, you've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that humanity is grateful."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_outro02.wav|"If you had any belongings please pick them up now. We don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_complete05.wav|"This one? [Taps microphone] Hey, listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator, not a bathroom."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_complete06.wav|"Great job astronaut, war hero and or Olympian. With your help we're gonna change the world [Tape speeds up]."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_intro01.wav|"The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_a_intro02.wav|"Caroline are the compensation vouchers ready?"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete01.wav|"If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let them know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete03.wav|"In case you're interested there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity I mentioned earlier. Again, all you gotta do is let us disassemble you. We're not banging rocks together here, we know how to put a man back together."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson seventies_test_b_complete04.wav|"So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals, spitshine on the old ones, plus we're scooping out tumours. Frankly you oughta be paying us."]]

80's

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro01.wav|"Welcome to the Enrichment Centre [Coughs]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro03.wav|"Since making test participation mandatory for all employees the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention however, has not."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro04.wav|"[Coughs] As a result you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up though."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro06.wav|"First up, Conversion Gel [Coughs]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro07.wav|"Now the bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of Moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought em anyway! Ground them up, mixed them into a gel."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro08.wav|"And guess what? Ground up Moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro10.wav|"Still it turns out they're a great Portal conductor. So now, we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new Portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives ya lemons, make lemonade [Coughs]. Let's all stay positive, and do some science."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_intro12.wav|"That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline please bring me more pain pills."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro02.wav|"The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro05.wav|"Brain mapping...Artificial intelligence...We shoulda been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro06.wav|"[Coughs] Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't. She's modest like that, but you make her! [Coughs]"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro07.wav|"Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro08.wav|"Alright test over, [Coughs] you can head on back to your desk."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro09.wav|"Alright I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!"]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson eighties_outro11.wav|"DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER. MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY IT THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! [Coughs]"]]

Between test chambers

 * [[Media:Cave Johnson cave_laugh04.wav|"Haha."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests01.wav|"The average human male is about sixty percent water. As far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you down to twenty or thirty percent."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests02.wav|"For this next test we put some nano particles in the gel. In layman's terms that's a billion little gizmo's that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests03.wav|"Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing Lead underpants we took care of that too."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests06.wav|"If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline. So all that means is it's working."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests07.wav|"Just a heads up, that coffee we gave you earlier had florescent Calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the Calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests08.wav|"All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test...that's asbestos."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests10.wav|"Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years. So if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punched those numbers into my calculator it makes a happy face."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests14.wav|"If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests please let a test associate know. Because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal. Only temporary so do not worry. If it persists for a week though, start worrying and come see us because that's not supposed to happen."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests24.wav|"Just a heads up, we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do, probably nothing. Best case scenario you might get some superpowers. Worst case some tumours which we'll cut out."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests25.wav|"If you're allergic to peanuts you might wanna tell somebody now because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes. On the bright side if we can make this happen they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel prize to give us so hang in there."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests26.wav|"Now if you're part of control group Kepla 7 we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there. But if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test let us know. Because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees so gonna need to go ahead and get that out of ya pretty fast."]]
 * [[Media:Cave Johnson misc_tests28.wav|"Alright we're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now this doesn't work with all skin types so try to remember which skin is yours and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it."]]